Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart....

...But the useless readers that you are, you don't even leave me comments these days. Hmph.

YAY! Christmas is here, and tis the season for giving. Now since it's impossible to give all the people I love a present (because I'm broke and miserly), I'm going to be uber cheap and tell them what I'd ideally like to give them. They in turn, can close their eyes and think that they've already received a present from me, or buy it themselves and thank me for it.

So anyhoo. Merry Christmas and a happy new year everyone, and here's your present!

1) Dad - Dear dad, I'm going to gift you a pair of hearing aids, for those umpteen number of times you drive me up the wall by making me repeat everything I say. About. 20,000. Times. Actually, this is more like a present to me. And since you're my favourite guy in the whole world, I'm also going to buy you a Honda Accord like you've always wanted, real soon. Honest! *hugs*

2) Mom - I'm going to give you a sackful of patience and the will to do my bidding. It would most certainly work for you if you didn't tell me to clean my room every single day. But you're also my best buddy, so I'm gonna give you a house by the beach. And I'll be VERY offended if you don't live in it with dad, for at least six months of the year.

3) Sheroo - I'm gonna get you a new leash and a muzzle, and also a library filled with about two million books. You'll never have to complain about having nothing to read, again!

4) The Witty Goldfish - What more could you want, when you have such an amazing sister-in-law like me? Most definitely, those amazing shoes I saw at Nike (as soon as I can afford them. Be patient!)

5) Lammy - A lizard killing spray that annihilates lizards in a radius of 500 feet, and a GRAND wedding with the woman of your choice. Oh oh oh! And how could I forget those pills that cure the "both-feet-in-mouth" disease? I can't believe how thoughtful I am!

6) G@kky - Most definitely, a haircut. Rather, I think I'll gift you a salon, since ONE haircut certainly won't create even a dent in the forest of your hair. Till then, I'll buy you a gaming console of your choice.

7) Tooth - Some sense and loads of peace of mind. Also, a river full of Davidoff Coolwaters and a Tag Heuer watches.

8) Zander - A Hayabusa, whether you want / like / need one or not. Fact of the matter is, I want one with a chauffeur. :P

9) The White Phoenix - A six month paid stint with rehab. People, he's the sole reason the cigarette and alcohol industries are flourishing. Don't believe me? Go read his last post. The nice person in me will also give him a year long supply of Rajdhani tickets and free food at Hard Rock Cafe, so he can pop into Mumbai and visit me whenever he misses me too much.

10) Mika - If wishes were horses, I'd arrange for you to get a scholarship to Vidal Sassoon. So for now, I'm just going to offer you my head and let you do whatever the hell you wanted to do with my hair. Without complaining (Offer exclusive of hair straigtening and colour, thank you very much).

As for me, all you ten people could chip in and buy me a duplex flat on Worli Seaface, and perhaps throw in an Audi on the house (pun unintended) so my garage won't feel empty. In case you're feeling more generous than usual, do feel free to buy me an iPod Classic, a Nike showroom and a Nokia N95. Suggestions are welcome. Do drop me an email.

Thank you for your patience. You are most kind.

*scuttles away*

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Issued in public interest - GET MARRIED IN COURT, YOU DUMBFUCKS!

My sister, Sheroo as she is popularly known in these parts of town, recently got married to the Witty Goldfish, and I want to bash both of them up. Her because she chose to go away leaving me all lonesome on my ownsome, and him, simply because he's the root cause of all evil. :( Now I've no one to pway wif, and no one pull weird faces at during dinner.

The wedding was something I've never seen before, really. That's not saying much, since I've attended about six weddings all my life (including my sister's) and the last one was around eight years ago. Sheroo is very anti-social, and had firmly told my parents that she didn't want the multitude of relatives and the usual fanfare. So she did what every person on the planet should do - get married in court.

We reached court at about 10 am, and we were out by 11.30 or so. Simple, easy and non-messy. There are a few obvious pros and cons to the whole affair, as is natural with all affairs. Let me list them for you (forgive the lists, but I'm a complete lists person):


1) It's quick, easy and convinient.
2) It's so goddamned cheap, that you can fill your entire house with appliances and indulge yourself with a grand honeymoon, JUST with the money you can save with the wedding.
3) You aren't obliged to call people you completely detest, and watch them eat the food YOU'RE paying for.
4) There's no need to wear those ghastly sarees, especially if you're a jeans person.
5) There are no crowds to suffocate you. It can be just immediate family.
6) Since you normally don't get to enjoy the food at your own wedding, this is a cool option. You can simply just go and have lunch with those select few special people who matter.
7) There's no hours and hours of standing on stage with a plastic smile.
8) There's no need to cake your face with layers of bridal make up.


1) The registrar makes you wait for ages, simply because he decides to turn up late.
2) If you're going for a dreamy, romantic wedding, this is the last place you should go to. It's more like getting married in a train.
3) There's hardly any place to sit and click pictures once you're done.

I think that's it with the cons. See? Eight pros and three cons. You have your obvious choice. When I get married, that's what I'm gonna do. Marry in court and then spend three weeks in the Andaman and Nicobar Islands, or maybe Mauritius. Cool no?

Interested parties may email me. Offer valid till interest lasts.


Friday, December 19, 2008

So bored, I'm actually contemplating washing the office loo...

The Fridays after issue closing are the toughest ones to battle. You're supposed to sit around looking all intelligent and busy, when there's absolutely nothing to do, and even lesser inclination to work. The weekend that looms over your head then does not help matters, either. So you end up hitting refresh on your Gmail till the mouse gives up on you, while simultaneously scouting for long lost friends to catch up with over chat (who miraculously are never online when you want to and can talk).

Today is one such utterly frustrating day. My boss isn't around either, and my colleague and I are absolutely at our wit's end on how to pass the time fruitfully. She's Facebooking and Twittering away to glory, but that's losing it's charm too. (On a completely side note, Facebook should come up with something that makes your profile look weirdly interesting, everytime you say refresh. HEY! Don't steal that idea and make millions out it, Mark Zuckerberg!) I'm blogging, and so far this is my third attempt at coming up with an articulate post. Man! I'd prefer the madness of issue closing days to shitty days like these, when you know you could have given a satisfied "after-lunch" burp at home instead, and curled up for an afternoon nap.

Let's see. So far, I've called up mum twice for absolutely no reason, with a cheery, "What are you doing, ma?" To which she tells me what she's been upto, patiently, secretly wondering if her youngest daughter's smoked up. "You're feeling ok, right?" she asks me, very unsure about my mental sanity.

" *giggle* yeah Mom. Don't worry. I love you." I say, and I sign off.

Who to bug next? I pick on Ro, my favourite family member outside my immediate family. I kept telling him to "SAY SOMETHING" even when he was talking, so he finally told me to take a flying one. And now he's gone too. :(

The White Phoenix was sulking with me about something else, and I did not make matters any better by laughing at him. Result? Guess guess. He stopped replying. Seriously, if I continue like this much longer, I won't have any friends or family left. Boohoo! :'(

I also called up Lammy twice in the space of half an hour. One time the guy was out buying eggs I believe, and the other time he was talking to his aunty. Nobody has time for me. Nobody loves me. :(

Now I'm going to go, and play some pictionary online on
http://www.isketch.net/. If you choose to play in office, don't tell anyone I told you about the link. :P Have fun! And have an equally awesome weekend. :D

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Ode to a Lammy

A great day has gone by me, and I'm so afraid of losing it to a tomorrow that might not be as glamorous as today. One thing was completely missing, though. That would be the Lammy's frivolous banter on GTalk.

Lammy is my best f(r)iend in the history of friends (after Mika, obviously, before she bursts a vein). For the past six-seven months that I know him, he's constantly been around to remind me that there can be no one more inquisitive, in-your-face, tiresome and adorable than he is. Like I said, I've known him for a mere seven months now, but it just goes to show that a mere notion like 'time' cannot define what equation you will have with a person. If it clicks, it clicks. If it doesn't, it never will. And that's the golden rule of all relationships.

It's just so queer how used you get to someone's e-presence to get you through the day. He's currently on a two-week leave, for his cousin's wedding, Christmas, etc. and I'm almost clinically depressed at how much I'm going to miss the man. I'm almost repenting for all the times he's cribbed about his office and I've told him to shut up, wishing I'd given him more time while he was around. Now there's hardly anyone interesting to talk to online, and since I don't mix around with my colleagues too much, I think I'll just have to pretend about working, a lot harder than usual. Or perhaps just open a book and start reading when I feel like it (and get sacked, too!).

So Lammy, it's killing me to say this and I'm almost choking, but you'd better get your goofy butt back to work soon. I'm missing all the free rickshaw rides in the morning (my traveling spends have taken a sudden upward turn), the 'have a nice day, you COW' messages when I get off the train, the endless reports on all the hot girls spotted in the day, the sheer disappointment of discovering that I haven't seen a good movie he feels so strongly about, the endless hints, begging and pleading that I dedicate a post to him on my blog (THERE! I hope you're happy now), and the utterly random messages in the middle of a crisis at work. I'm missing it all. :(

Come back soon, Lammy. Work's not the same without you talking nonsense at the other side of the screen. Actually, life's not the same without your madness and friendship. Loadsa love. :)

P.S. Will courier you the exact amount you owe me for this piece. Because, sweetheart, nothing in life is ever free! :P

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Of 20 hour long issue closings, and sleep well-earned...

It's been 20 hours straight I've been at work, and funnily enough, I'm not as sleepy as I thought I'd be. The world's slightly spinning, yes, and the head is beginning to pound, but what's new about that? We've closed the most wonderful issue of the entire year - an issue I'm going to be so fiercely proud of, that it's not even funny. I'm poured my heart, blood, sweat, sleep, weekend, family time, everything into the past two weeks, because of the issue that's going to be printed tonight, and hitting the stands tomorrow. I almost feel like going to the press and ensuring they don't mess things up.

And before you ask, no, I don't have any bylines in this issue either, nor a whole column to myself. But it doesn't matter at all, when you know you've done your best with your bit, and your bit has been one of the most important ones in the entire process. So would the issue have shut down if I wasn't around for some reason? Of course not. But I know I've made things much easier for everyone around, and things would have been much more difficult if it wasn't for me.

It's nice to know you've done something of consequence.

It's best to know you've earned that peaceful sleep...the kind that takes you to worlds unknown, the minute your head touches your pillow.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Life's lessons learnt

There's a lot been happening in my life. Some things I can talk about, some things I can't. At least not here. Meet me on the other blog and I might tell you.

Anyway, having a really hectic week at work. There's a lot of stuff planned for the last and final issue of the year, and for once, I'm doing something that contributes to whatever the final product is going to be. I've always given it my best, but somehow I don't think anyone would miss me too much if I were to quit. That's not a very good thought. In fact, it makes me wanna quit at times, but hey! Nobody's going to elevate a junior to a pedestal in any case, are they?

I'm going to make this post about work. Because quite frankly, it's one of the things I really need to talk about. Last Wednesday, I got a "chat" from my boss, where he made me look at things quite differently. Some places, I admit he was a little unreasonable. Places where he expected me to come to work on my sister's wedding day, just because there was closing. In spite of me taking leave for just two days, in the first place. Anyway, he made me feel like a worm, and boy was I seething with anger! I spent almost four days clinically depressed at work, thinking everybody hated me. Entering office became a punishment, I couldn't wait enough for it to become five o'clock, when I could finally leave. I had almost made up my mind to quit on January 1, and get back to studying in June (which I'm going to do in any case). Mum tried to understand me, always trying to dissuade me from taking a hasty decision. Lammy kept telling me to quit if I was that depressed, but to remember that shit like this happened at every job.

Now, a full week and a half later, I think I've calmed down. I don't feel as insulted as I did, earlier. More importantly, I've learned my BIG lesson from the whole episode. That whatever I may think of myself, I'm still a snotty-faced junior in the industry, with infinite things to learn, a ego I must learn to banish and remember that nobody has anything against me, personally. I've also realised I've been a fool to not have understood this a full week earlier, instead of waiting for the blessed 5 pm time. Am I a government employee to watch the clock tick and pack my bags? Hell, no.

Since last Monday, there has been a lot of pressure at work, resulting in 13 hour days, etc. But you know what? Quite apart from the tiredness felt at the end of the day when you hit the sack, there's a certain indescribable feeling about giving it your 100% best and knowing that it was all you could have done in the day. And that's what makes it so worthwhile. So my boss yelled at me...So what? It was because I was not doing things the way I ought to have done. He's also gracious enough to acknowledge a job well done, without a second thought. He's considerate at all times when you're ill (even if it's closing time). At such times too, I'm a junior. But he still gives me the consideration that's due to me. He's impatient and unreasonable at all times, but he's also patient enough to explain why your story can be written in another way, and why you're wrong when you are. And in my mind I'm really lucky to have a boss like that at the beginning of my career, who teaches me not to make rookie mistakes. I learn so much from him, it's not even funny; little tips that are lessons for life. But above everything else, he's a great and ethical human being, so there's never a time when you have to compromise between 'exclusives' and integrity.

My first job has been quite a learning experience. I keep complaining about how I don't get more stories to do, at a time when I need more bylines. About how I'm only doing donkey work, when I do can do the stories the others get to do. But I've been doing a lot of thinking (!) and understood that everyone comes up this way. Nobody starts at the top, and whoever does, is never very successful. That my colleagues who get to certain stories and columns, may not be that much older than me, but know certain things I don't. Either they've been educated in a related field, or been working for about two or three years longer than I have. So basically, I've realised that nobody got it easy. Everyone has started from the bottom, and I have to, too.

Have I been immature in wanting so much out of my first six months at a full time job? Have I been stupid to even for a minute, think I've been victimised? Maybe. But I'm sure glad that I can look at things differently, now. At the onset, I know there will be times when I forget my own goody blog post, and go back to hating everything around me and wishing everyone was shot dead. But then, who doesn't have those times? But I also know I'll calm down and try and extract the good from whatever happens and leave the rest aside. That's why a person has two ears, in the first place.

Lastly, I keep telling myself that I'm not a quitter. That's what I'm bloody well going to prove out of this whole phase. I'll quit when I have to, only because of further education. Not because my boss yelled at me to get my act together. Hah!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

It really is a spirit after all....

The worst is over, or so it's said. But is it really so? How much time will be spent before some more families get orphaned? Some more parents become childless? A hundred odd innocent people die? 'Spirit of Mumbai', be darned. It's just an easy way to ignore the real fears that lurk within the common Mumbaikar's heart.

Is this the last time I'm seeing my family?

What if this is my last kiss with her?

Let's get married soon...Who knows what tomorrow has in store for us?

More than a hundred dead. Simply because they were unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time. People hurrying home from work to be with kids. Individuals visiting friends from outstation. A friend's friend throwing a bachelor party at Cafe Leopold, to be married in the next ten days. Shot dead. Why? Because no one has any control over what's happening in the city. Isn't it sad, that less than 50 people, who had no business being here in the first place, had a city of millions hostage for around three days? That even the city's best cops had to die fighting, before the menace was curbed?

Anyway, there are messages floating everywhere, about how we should stop blaming the government and media and do something ourselves. Like what, exactly? Light candles outside windows? How will that help anyone? Join zillions of "condemn-Mumbai-terrorist-attacks" groups on Facebook? Who cares, really? Do I have a remedy? Not really. But do I have a right to feel safe in the city I live in? Certainly, I do. But I don't know who to blame but the government, really. Are you meaning to tell me, that no one in the country knew about the terror attacks? That there was no level of corruption at any rank in the bureaucracy, be it the government level, the police level or the Intelligence level? That no one in the Taj hotel's security force was bribed to gain entry?

It's a shame how easy it is getting, to hold an entire city hostage and even escape, as some of the terrorists did. I think the best way to handle these guys is to hand them over to the public, giving them permission to kill them any way they want. ....And then see what happens. That might give a few grieving souls some peace of mind, if nothing else. And shoot the Human Rights bastards first, if they dare interfere in any way.

How unfortunate, that the entire city's morale is down, at the time of birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and other 'happy' occasions.

In retrospect, you know what? Perhaps the terrorists have succeeded after all.

Here's saluting the "spirit of Mumbai".

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The post that was supposed to update you on my life

So this was supposed to be a nice looooong five day weekend, that was supposed to leave me rejuvenated right from Friday night to Wednesday night. Now I'm feeling like a child that was promised a tete-a-tete with Santa Claus, but then suddenly told he doesn't exist. My beautiful weekend has flown past me without it leaving any lasting memories of any sort. So yeah, it was Diwali and all, but so what? The only good that happened was that Lammy finally came over to my place after ages, and spent quite a lot of time with Sweet Tooth. Boohoo!! Now it's back to the grindstone with endless website updates, foraging for information to put in the bloody '14 Days' pages of the magazine, and getting the pages made by designers. No rest for the weary till Wednesday. In fact, Lammy and I were just discussing how we're all going to die after this weekend is over, since the only official bank holiday is well, Christmas. A good fucking two months away. :( No one told me working life was difficult.

I don't think I can go on without bursting into tears about the fading holiday. BOOOOHOOOO! :(
Will continue with updates later.

*grumble grumble*

Friday, October 17, 2008

This is how Good Relations woos journalists

My colleague received the following epistle from Good Relations, a PR firm. I’m slightly embarrassed to say that we didn’t comply to Good Relations’ wish (you’ll know what wish from the letter), but we printed it exactly as it came to us, and gave our readers a good laugh. Hence, ladies and gentlemen, I present before you, Good Relations’ invite to us. Please note that I have not tampered with the punctuation and spellings in any way. Thank you.

As discussed awhile ago, This was regarding our Chairman Mr. Anthony B M Good – also own as the father as the PR industry.

In 1988, is when Mr. Good came to India and saw the need of an exclusive PR Agency and thats how he started Good Relations India.

Good Consultancy, UK was the first PR Firm to be listed on the LSE.

We would be glad to organize you meeting with Mr. Good on September 30, 2008 where he could discuss the PR Industry scenario, how corporate have started recognizing the efforts put in by PR consultancies than investing in ATL and BTL activities. Attached please find his profile fo you reference.

Please look forward to your response.

Heehee! My favourite has to be ‘also own as the father as the PR industry’ and ‘please look forward to your response’. What’s yours?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Reasons why I wish to remain childless

Babies are frankly not as glamorous as they are made out to be. I mean, what's the big deal about children anyway? In my entire 21 years, I have picked up just one baby (and almost dropped because it was so goddamn squirmy), that too because the kid was thrust on me by a friend (since it was her brother). Let's face it. Babies and I don't get along. I don't find them cute. When they giggle, maybe, but apart from that, no cuteness there. And when I say babies, I mean kids in general, below the age of five.

Why don't I like babies? Loads of reasons. They grow into nasty adults, is a big reason. Why do I wish to remain childless? Oh, LOADS of reasons to that. Here are some:

1) I am not known to care fulltime about another human being for so many years until the bloody thing can walk.

2) There's too much pain and too much effort involved in producing a child - something I wouldn't like to subject myself too.

3) I value my sleep too much to wake up in the middle of the night, simply because another creature is hungry or shitting in my bed.

4) I might strangle the child in my sleep (intentionally or unintentionally).

5) I hate sharing my bed.

6) You can never be too careful when you talk before a kid.

7) They crap too much. I mean, washing someone's butt after a poop is not my idea of a pleasant task.

8) You can't eat while / before feeding your child.

9) I can't stand indiscipline and neither do I subscribe to "Kids are kids. They HAVE to be naughty". I belong to the old school of thought which says, "A slap in time, saves nine."

10) I want to be able to enjoy a quiet dinner with my husband / boyfriend (yes, I don't see why you can't have a child with your boyfriend if both of you want to), without a child wailing in the background.

11) There's just too much bloody stuff to lug around when a baby is with you.

12) I frankly can't see why I should go through all the pain when the guy who did this to me is equally responsible.

13) I wouldn't like to see stretch marks all over me.

14) I'd instantly be called an 'aunty'.

15) I'd rather spend all the money I spend on the child on myself.

Whew. I'm done. But you'll still visit my blog, won't you? :|

Monday, September 29, 2008

The birth of a new blog

I have started a new blog on blogspot. It's open only by invitation, so drop me a comment saying you want to be a part of it. If I don't respond, trust my judgment and know that the blog will make no sense to you, since it's of a slightly personal nature. :) Thanks!!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Modern Bhakti

I was in a bus today, and I spotted this sign on a tree that says:

"Crash course in Bhagvad Gita. Enrol today!".

Ermmm...Ooookay then! See you at the orientation.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Updates on my life

Maladies have been bombarding me lately. What started out as just mild dizzyness (is that even a word? Frankly don't care.) became a mild form of vertigo. Great. I'm already saddled with leukoderma (which actually does not bother me in any way), and I hope this vertigo shit isn't here to stay.

I've been at home since Monday, and will go back to work on the coming Monday. Pretty cool, considering I did need a break of sorts, even at the cost of the world refusing to stop spinning. It's been really sweet how some totally unconnected people called and asked me how I was doing, while certain people who I see quite often did not even bother to message or call me, even if to wonder if I was dead or not. Oh yes, but these same people did bother me when they needed my urgent services, without even a simple thank you after hauling me out of bed. It's at times like these you realise who really are your friends and well-wishers, and who look at you as just some sort of backup plan to righten wrongs. I know I'm sounding really random, but hell, I don't even know why I'm surprised actually.

Anyway, Ro came to visit me, the sweetheart. Then took me for a nice cuppa coffee and basically cheered me up. Damn, who needs fuckwits when you have cousins like these? Mikachu is basically mad at me since we're only keeping in touch through our respective Facebook walls these days. Not good, Mika. I owe you a LOT of quality time.

Sweet Tooth is as a sweetheart as ever, and the only one apart from my lovely folks who even cares I exist. I'm going to prepare my Oscar speech here and thank Lammy, Phoenix, Pearlie, Shibani and even some PR people, who sent me get well soon messages. And yes, my boss for being a considerate guy and someone I can look up to.

I realise this is getting to be a really blah sort of post, but forgive me this once, because I am in a blah kind of mood. On a side note, I met the wonderful Phoenix for the first time in person last month. I've been e-friends with Phoenix since the last two years almost. I don't know about him, but after meeting him, I was almost clinically depressed that this person wasn't in the same city as me. I need a friend like this, who I can talk absolute and pure nonsense to, who has absolutely no hang-ups in life, who I can discuss life's problems with because I know I'll get a purely objective answer, who calls the next second you give him a missed call, whatever unearthly hour it may be, who is basically your Saturday night buddy. It's really funny meeting someone who's been a voice to you, someone who's mere voice is an important presence in your life. Suddenly attaching a whole body to that voice complete with a smile, laugh and paunch, is really something that takes some getting used to.

Before I set out to meet him, I was a tad worried. What if he wasn't as nice as he is on the phone / chat / blog, etc.? I knew people would be different in person; some may be nicer, quietier, completely different from your perception. But after I met Phoenix, I realised he wasn't as nice as I thought he would be. He was infinitely nicer than what I knew, and what followed was a nice grilled chicken at Inorbit, followed by a some very fun-filled quality evening spent at Hard Rock. It's so wonderful to know that there are some true gentlemen out there, and that all men on the internet aren't dickheads. I probably shouldn't be saying such nice things about Phoenix on a public forum like this, but by now I know he must dead from a chest that burst with pride. ;) I normally don't go overboard with praise like this, but that was an evening I want to remember for quite some time. :) Here's to a long, fun-filled friendship with my favourite Phoenix!

*proposes toast*

In other news, I'd been to Chennai for a day. Quite a fun trip, that. Bought absolutely delicious Mysore Pak. Apart from that, there's nothing worth writing home about.

I must say it's quite nice to be writing after long. I've been ignoring this blog a lot, lately, and I can't believe that I'm taking so much time between posts. Very, very bad. I'm not going to promise to be better, because I'm known to be incorrigible. :P

Anyhoo, dinner beckons. Must go. Much love. :)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Tales from the land of Mishti-doi and Sondesh...

So, yours truly went to attend a STAR India press conference at Kolkata last week (and I do realise that this is a long overdue post). Although it was a day trip, it was a lot of fun. Can't really say it felt like I was in a different city though, since the car that was taking us to the Taj Bengal (yes, we are grand) took the highway I think, and I passed the same hoardings that I see in Mumbai. There was the same Shoppers' Stop hoarding, then R. Madhavan and Vidya Balan pimping Airtel to us, and the eggjactly the same HDIL and DLF buildings, etc. Just that perhaps, the main roads are narrower, and the traffic madder than what it is, here. Oh yes, and elephantine Ambassadors are still popular with the Bongs, as I couldn't have missed noticing.

The morning began with the highly effecient Meru cab waiting for me downstairs 10 minutes after I woke up. I'd suggest all of you to book Meru cabs online before going on trips to places. They're highly punctual, very safe and very reasonable, too. And no, I'm not getting paid to endorse them (although I should). After a forced conversation with an extremely friendly cabbie, I made it to the airport and stormed through to the Kingfisher Airlines desk. Two girls wearing their best fake smiles walked up to me and issued me my boarding pass, and I was off to wait for my flight. Can't believe how easy traveling alone by flight is. I'll spare you the details about the flight, because it was like any other you've traveled by. But one thing I must point out is the bloody in-flight entertainment on Kingfisher airlines. Firstly, it has the world's shadiest channels (partnered with Dish-fucking-TV). Who the fuck watches Ten Sports, NDTV Good Times, Zee Music, Zee Trends, Cartoon Network, Zee TV? Oh yes, and one channel was dedicated ONLY to Jannat, the movie with the current shittiest songs right now, featuring none other than star monkey and Serial Kisser, Emraan Hashmi. Wow. And that's not all. The fucking movie was playing on my way to Kolkata, and back. In fact, on my return trip, one screening got over at about 10:30 pm, and they began playing the movie AGAIN without wasting three seconds in between. So that channel was out of the question. At the start of the flight, Vijay Mallya scared the shit out of me by suddenly popping on my screen and telling me what an indispensable traveler I was to Kingfisher. I couldn't help my eyes welling up at that. *scoffs* Also, Mallya darling claims that every air hostess has been "personally" selected by him, through a tough process (from what I gathered). Of course the process is tough. Sleeping with someone the size of Vijay Mallya has to be tough, no? As if Vijay fucking Mallya wasn't bad enough, Yana Gupta pops up on my screen giving me safety instructions in Hindi and English. I'm really not surprised no one gives her roles in the movies. She can't fucking act her way out of safety instructions of an aircraft, behaving uncannily like a third grader does in a school play. By the time this entire Mallya-Gupta torture conspiracy was over, the flight takes off and you're in the air.

Oh yes, while we're still in the flight, let me give you a tip. Don't ever opt for a window seat in a plane. Waiting till your bladder's about to burst before you wake your sleeping co-passengers is really not a wise thing to do. Alrighty, when we landed and all the concerned people from Star India and the PR firm assembled, we were packed off in cars to go to the Taj. I was with a girl from the Delhi bureau of a website, and she was quite nice. So we chilled with this very nice lady from STAR, till it was the time for the press conference. The event was nice and punctual (!), except that in the words of the PR guy we were with, "The press conference should have had subtitles." The entire thing was in Bangla yaar! I inched closer to this woman from TOI Kolkata, who farely had a good grasp on the language. She translated most of the stuff for me. The best thing about these places is the number of people you get to meet. Right from other media people, to CEOs, VPs, etc. of really big places. I LOVE my job. :) After the press conference, the Delhi girl and I were heading to our room, when my shoe snapped. Yes. I was stuck in a far away city with a broken shoe. No worries, the poise queen in me said aloud. I simply decided to go out in the afternoon in search of a cobbler / shoe shop. Everything seemed so set. We'd take a faraway look at Eden Gardens, visit Victoria Memorial, since they were 15-20 minutes away from the hotel. How blissful was I! I'd get to see the places in just a day trip, and get back home to my comfortable blankie in the night. Paradise!

My ass, it was paradise.

The Delhi reporter screwed up her internet connection, so sending the story across to her office became a problem. I was blissfully unaware of all the drama that was going on, since I decided to catch a nap before stepping out for our dream shopping trip. I wake up at fucking 6 pm, and find that the Taj lobbies are galore with two other journos/ PR people scurrying between rooms and the business centre, in search for Wi-fi connectivity. By the time, it was too late to do anything since reporting time at the airport was fast upon us.

Ah. No worries, I told myself again. I'd grab sweets on the airport. As for sight-seeing, I'll come back.

Except there was a problem.

I had a broken shoe, and no time to mend it up or buy a new pair.


Hobbling around the hotel, much to the merriment of the PR people and fellow journos (the woman from STAR even stuffed the Taj bathroom slippers in my bag, in case of emergencies. They were fluffy and white, FYI), we tried to all help the Delhi woman get her story across. And now we were desperate, since there was a teeny chance we would miss our flights if we didn't leave without wasting a second. After 15 excruciating minutes, they got her story across, and we had to leave. Me still limping across the fucking Taj’s grand hallways.

Taking a quick look at the time, we drew the conclusion that there was a BIG chance about the flight leaving minus us. Since I panic real easy, I was the first one to dash out of the hotel (quite like a bullet from a gun) in spite of the broken shoe, and hop into the car that was to escort us into the airport. The others piled up on me like a rugby team, and the driver was instructed to bhagao the car as much as he could. The next time, remember that that’s very wrong advise to give a driver in Kolkata. The madman drove the Qualis like it was the Knightbus and I promise you that cars, humans, flora and fauna jumped out of our way in sheer terror. But I now believe that there resides a God somewhere in our midst, which gave the driver excellent control over the steering, and each of us reached in one whole piece. As in, the individuals we had initially set out as, and not one big mass of people. After the check in and boarding pass nonsense, I finally got the fucking sweets I wanted to buy for home and Sweet Tooth. I admit they weren’t much, but at least I did something in Kolkata.

The flight was pretty uneventful, except the Mallya-Gupta torture conspiracy was still going pretty strong. After a long limping walk from the airport to the rickshaw stand, I finally reached home, by what time my foot was completely aching and swollen. I was almost teary-eyed to see mom, what with the aching foot and my beautiful house that I so, SO missed.

My trip made me realise one thing. Fuck everything. Fuck the irritation parents cause and the arguments I have with them. At the end of the day, it's them I want to goodnight to, and them I want to be grouchy at, first thing in the morning. And did I mention I wanted to live away from home? Hahaha...One day in a faraway city and I was teary-eyed when I reached home at 2:00 am (and my sweetheart mom was awake for me, as she would be even if I reached home at 5). I think I'd be dead if sheer homesickness if I ever decide to go abroad or something. Here's a big middle finger to moving out plans.

* big middle finger*

Sunday, August 03, 2008


Was blog surfing / hopping or whatever, and came across this tag. Found it rather interesting, and since I have nothing else to talk about nor anything else to do, thought of taking it up. Heck, screw reasoning. Goodness knows I love tags. :D Here goes.

I am: Whimsical, extremely hyper, unreasonable.

I think: Relationships aren't meant for me. I'm too idiosyncratic.

I know: I'm deeply in love. And loved back in multiples of infinity.

I want: To age gracefully.

I have: Everything I need. Except enough clothes.

I wish: There were more weekends in a week.

I hate: Men talking to a woman's breasts.

I miss: Waking up at 11 a.m. EVERY morning.

I fear: My loved ones dying in a bomb blast leaving me behind.

I feel: Deeply about being a mediocre writer. I wish I could be better.

I hear: The voices in my head. There are about thirty five thousand of them.

I smell: Of Nike deodorant at all times.

I crave: Greenery.

I search: For some order in my chaotic life.

I wonder: For how long will I be this happy.

I regret: Meeting the wrong people and giving them my best.

I love: My family, him, gym, work. In that order.

I ache: In the heart region, when I'm upset with the most important people in my life.

I am not: Suspicious. I trust too easily.

I believe: That some people will always remain obnoxious. Stop trying to change people and the world

I dance: To the music of love.

I sing: Very horribly.

I cry: For silly reasons. Or when the heart is aching.

I don’t always: Remain upset for long. But neither do I always forgive.

I fight: When you mess with my values or principles.

I write: When everything else fails to soothe me.

I win: Because the other person tires of arguing with me.

I lose: To a passionate kiss, or an 'I love you' whispered in my ear.

I never: Leave home without wearing eyeliner.

I always: Miss home whenever I'm out.

I confuse: Serbia with Siberia.

I listen: To nobody.

I can usually be found: At work. In the gym. In Inorbit Mall. At home.

I am scared: Of being mediocre in whatever I do.

I need: Constant love and attention.

I am happy about: How my life is right now.

I imagine: To be hugely successful and very rich, in about seven years.

I tag: No one. I shove this tag under my butt and refuse to get up.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

It's a Bug's Life

I'm amazed at myself. Truly, I is. I've slept at 2 a.m. last night (transcribing interviews, let me add), gotten up at 6:30 this morning, and now it's 4:40 in the morning, and I'm still at work. And miraculously, I feel fresh enough to work for about four hours more. Yes, this is the same lazy lump of a cow you know. Now, kindly reunite your jaw with the rest of your mouth, so I can get on with my story.

Anyhoo, I've transcribed about seven interviews since morning, proofread about 16,000 pages and eaten enough junk food to sustain me for a trek to the moon. Talk about working life, eh? But you know what? I love it! Maybe it's the initial excitement of identifying yourself with a product that you've helped put together, and you know is the best, not to mention that it's something you're fiercely proud of. And I don't think I can put in my best without having a certain pride about what I'm working for. Internal jokes with the colleagues are a different thing, but listening to a third person diss my magazine in public? Hell, NO! I've never had any respect for people who work for one organisation, take the salary they give you, drink their chai, use their air conditioning, and bitch about them.

Call me weird, but I think there's a certain fun-ness about working with colleagues for a common cause, late into the night. I know it loses its glamour after about 12 p.m., when you start missing the comfortable blankie, but talking and laughing at corny jokes with your team has its own romance. It's funny how you reach a point when you don't want to even look at another page, much less edit it. Fuck this shit anyway, seems to be ringing in your head rather LOUDLY. But so what? I can't wait for the bloody magazine to come from the press the next day with its shiny, glossy pages and lovely smell of new paper. So I suppose, putting the magazine together is like going through 17 hours of labour, but when it finally is printed, it's something like checking to see whether your perfect little baby has all of its limbs, nostrils, etc.

Alright. So that's what I think of work right now, post three weeks. Maybe I'll think differently after two months. But so what? For now, I feel like my true calling's beckoned me, and do let me enjoy my limelight, will ya? Thanks!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

24 Hours with...

Our magazine Campaign India, has this teeny section, which gives people a sneak peek on the day of a person from the advertising, media or marketing industry. The column's called '24 Hours With...' Now since nobody is going to feature me in the magazine although I'm very interested to be, I think I will abuse my beautiful blog and interview myself. For those 0.5 faithful readers who've stuck by me, I think with this blog post, you'll also understand why I cannot update more often. Here goes.

Name: Moo Cowey.
Job: Editorial Assistant, Campaign India.
Professional Mission: To stay awake at work, without external help from tea, coffee, etc. Oh yes, and also sneak in some byline stories on the website.
Personal Mantra: Try not to get into the editor's way and his bad books.

7:00 am Time to pry those eyelids open with extreme will power. Move around the house like a zombie while trying to shower correctly, and get in breakfast through the mouth and not nose, etc.
8:30 am Be the last one to get into the mad rush of the train, cussing loudly in my head at the lack of a seat. So it's standing from Borivali to Lower Parel, AGAIN! Call him up and bully him into keeping me company till I get off the train, so that the journey seems shorter.
9:30 am Enter office on the dot, swipe my card, and waltz into our section like a poise queen. With a cheery good morning to the editor, I sit down waiting for God to send in the coffee.
10:00 am Co-ordinate with my colleagues who are either on their way to work / in Delhi / at a press conference and jot down all the stories that are to be uploaded on the dotcom. Then the mad scramble for images begins, while simultaneously cursing the designers who decide to be late again.
10:30 am Get stories in order, begin uploading on website. Have mini argument with editor over the top story for the day.
11:30 am All news up on site. Small pee break and call him up. Life seems good again. Now back to the desk to arrange for the newsletter.
11:45 am Newsletter successfully sent. Begin calling PR people to scout for press releases, ad campaigns or stories. Sigh.
12:30 pm Lunch time. Rush to the pantry with colleagues, before stupid, noisy group in office capture all seats and serenity of the place.
1:15 pm A short quick call to mum, basically to tell her boredom hasn't killed me yet. Then a half hour long phone call to him before he gets to work at 2 pm. Wish that would never end.
1:50 pm Back to the seat. Sudden press conference pops in at the ITC Grand Central. Wind up work quickly if hope to make it on time. Curse myself for not carrying my own cutlery.
2:30 pm Make it barely and register at the media registration desk. Exchange polite hellos with PR people and give away business cards by the dozen. Heck, they're free anyway. Proceed towards actual event and jot down notes, actually wondering, "When in fuck's name is this thing going to end?"
3:45 pm Cab it back to work and proceed with accumulating news for upcoming issue closing. Colleague brings random page to be proofread. Finish all that and fix up two PR meetings for coming week.
4:30 pm Chai break with the two colleagues. What follows is a half hour of chai, gossip and girl talk. Move back to work thinking sweet thoughts of packing bags and leaving.
5:20 pm Wrap up last remnants of day's work and begin to clean desk before leaving for the day. Actually leave in about 15 minutes if there's no work pending.
5:55 pm Catch the ladies special to back home, to hit the gym directly from work.
7:30 pm Meet daddy at the gym, and workout begins, followed by an amazing steam bath till dad finishes his workout.
9:30 pm Reach home, have dinner. Fill mum in on the intricacies of my day, when thoughts of my beautiful bed and fluffy quilt begin to weigh me down.
10:30 pm Phone time again, till I fall asleep while the other person is still in the middle of talking. This happens EVERYDAY.
11:45 pm Goodbye, world. See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Working Woman...Shhh...

After being a crocodile, pig, mule, hippo (and all the other lazy, sloppy, slow animals you can think of) for more than two months, your favourite cow decided to go and find a job. What a stupid decision, that. Egad! So, after about endless lazing around in bed till 11 a.m. every morning, yours truly has to wake up at 7 a.m. SHARP, finish all her business in an hour, and travel standing to work EVERY fucking day. It's a different thing that life seems better when I do get to work, but sometimes, there's not much to do, and I wish I was home, or with him. Heck, I always feel the last bit. :)

Anyway, working life's good. As of now, I'm afraid of my boss, but my colleagues are adorable. It's so good when you have young, patient colleagues, who're girly in a nice kinda way, but are always free with their time to help. I've just started attending bloody press conferences at annoyingly fancy ass five-stars, and so far I think that's what I hate about this job. Stupid pretentious buildings from hell. With their silly, pretentious food. I've a good mind to carry my lunch with me, the next time. At least it doesn't judge me when I can't eat with a knife and fork. When, oh, WHEN will I master the art of cutlery? Anyway, that's beside the point.

There's nothing much happening with me these days. I don't even have time to read a book, sleep, return calls of friends who still care I exist (which I don't think will last very long), sit with mum for a while and catch up on her life and issues, heck, I even miss gym sometimes. :( What could get worse than THAT?

This is turning out to be one of the most boring posts I've churned out in a while. In fact, there's so much to say, but no time to write it. Lunch's here. So I've gotta hog. :D Toodle-oo, me hearties. And pray that I can write sooner and more frequently.

* breaks coconut in front of blogging deity*

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The End.

It's over. It's all over. Two and a half years, and it ended this way.

And yes. I topped my college English Literature. But what the fuck does it matter? What's over, is over.

I will always love you. And I'll also be there always, whether or not you need me to. I don't expect the same.

Goodbye. Forever.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Free advice? Erm...Put it where the monkey puts its nuts.

Right. So everything you care to mention is expensive. Food, vegetables, milk, clothes, travel, everything. You name it, and it's ready to rip your pocket to shreds. But know what should be charged? Like REALLY made costly? Advice. If you think about it, there really needs to be some system, where, if you offer advice that hasn't been called for, your bank account registers a serious low in funds. Because I don't think anything else can get it through people's thick heads to SHUT THE FUCKING HELL UP.

I was talking to Snooty a while back, to help me decipher an email from a prospective employer. This employer person spoke about hiring people as trainees, etc., and I kind of have a problem with that. Not because I want a job that offers me an executive post or something, but just that, I hate having to go back to job that pays me just 4 or 5 thousand (and that was part time. So it was good, actually). But if I'm going to work full time, I might as well get paid more than 10 thousand, to say the least. I don't want a BIG PAY PACKAGE, goodness knows I'm still a fresher. Not an unreasonable expectation, right? If someone's paying me 10 - 15 thousand AND still wants to hire me as a trainee, I don't really see what's the problem. I want to learn, in any case, but personally I don't see anything wrong with having some money on the side.

So yes, Snooty used to work at this same company I want to get into, and so does Zander. Impatient little twit that I am, I didn't wait for Zander to call me back, but decided to clear some things with Snooty . I was already kind of depressed with the fact that my chances at this place are almost negligible (apparently they've already hired trainees and other assorted blah), so I didn't really know how to gauge the situation. Did these people hire all freshers as trainees? If they didn't, did they pay trainees really less? And how long do you remain a trainee? What logically followed was asking Snooty about it. After patiently listening to him lecture me about how careful one must be while giving a subbing test and reading and re-reading every syllable, and how it's not okay to make mistakes, I asked him what I wanted to know. Did these people pay trainees really less?

What followed was an indignant outburst from him. He starts with See, THIS is what I don't like about you. What do you care how much they pay trainees? Even if they pay you 3 thousand, be glad they're taking you. First prove yourself and then talk about payment.

Ok done? Thanks. This coming from a person, who is a cynic to the innermost atom of his body, who cribs about everything that happens on the blessed planet, who thinks his company wastes money on unnecessary things when he's made to go on a junket to Germany, who is quitting a job he joined three months back because he wants to go back to a place he hated (but payment is an issue!), and who basically has been in the field for not more than 4 years, and is all of 25 years old, but pretends to be 80.

I don't mind when people advise me as well-wishers. I don't mind when the criticism they have to offer is constructive. I don't even mind when they tell me that I suck, in a nice way, providing good reasons as to why they think so, and trying to help me get better (if they're an expert, or better than me). However, I do not appreciate it if you don't answer a straight question, get me wrong, offer advice about a completely irrelevant issue and make me feel like a jackass. I'm sorry, I don't need to hear that from you. And why should I? Just because you think you've seen the world? Just because you think you're older and wiser? And don't pretend money isn't an issue. Especially you. And especially since you don't know what difficulty the other person must in. Maybe I need the money. Can't that be a possibility?

In short, don't be idealistic for people. You haven't been appointed by God Almighty to remind His subjects of their forgotten ideals and values. I think I'll just cut to the chase and tell you to get a life. Or sort your own out. And while you're at it, just leave me alone, ok? Thank you.

Note to self: No one cares about you as much as Zander does, neither does anyone talk as much sense. So the next time, stop hopping about and wait for his take on matters, will ya?

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Plase don't discurrage.

I was going to write a really whiny post, just about when I signed into MSN Messenger. Uglyhair was online, and for the first time in my life, I was glad to see him there. Now before I began bitching, I need to introduce you to Uglyhair. Uglyhair is this overly intelligent chap I know, who's always late and extremely hairy. He's 21, a writer, and even has his own online music magazine and stuff. Although the information I just provided you guys with is extremely irrelevant, all you need to know about Uglyhair is, that he's a bigger bitch than I am. And that's no mean feat. Oh yes, he's funny too!

So recently, Uglyhair was at this important office meeting, when a friend calls him up claiming an emergency. Uglyhair excuses himself from the meeting, and scuttles out in alarm. The "emergency" turns out to be thus: The friend knows someone who wants a job in the writing field. Could Uglyhair help him out? Please? So, just to shut him up, Uglyhair agrees. "Send me the guy's CV and a writing sample," says, Uglyhair.

Said friend agrees. And in a hushed voice, says, "Look, whether you like what he writes or not, don't discourage him!"

Uglyhair goes back to the meeting, and all is peace. He's even forgotten the "emergency", until he checks his email. This is the writing sample waiting for him (And I paste the email verbatim :P):

Subject: Plase read it


hey you might have gone on night outs with your friends , well i do too; for i find them very interesting ( you will know why) and so i am writing on this topic.We plan night outs so we can have a pleasent break from our dull routine ( it must be mentioned that not a single one of us have a routine so forget about it being dull) and have good booze ( my mouth is watering!!). Me and my friends agree with it and so we see that we at least have 15 sessions in a month and the following is one of such night out. It ranks first in our list ( it is not all exaggerated)

Our 12th exam had finished and on the same night we planned a session at Cp's house. It had rained so the weather was perfect and our logic paper was good so we were felling perfect. Our session went perfect ( too many perfects!) and we were just chilling out when suddenly a friend started crying; reason: his so called girl friend used him and did not care for his feelings ( neither did we), but as he started crying loudly we took him in the balcony and tried to explain him some shit ( remember we were drunk; by the way we had rum,Old Monk ). Meanwhile another friend started crying;reason: his small sister bullied him. This was at 3am. then another friend started yelling that he loved a girl very much and howled her name , while i was trying to jump from the balcony , at the same time reciting the logic answers. Meanwhile Corporal puked and the guy was still howling so i bet him black and blue while somebody broke all the glasses as all the cigarettes got over. It all ended when Corporals land line rang at around 4am ( we were damn scared ). What a PERFECT night!!!
my friend if you are interested in more of our stories you can join us sometime and with or without booze ( ' with ' sounds better ) we will tell you all and plus you will become a part of one.

Points to be carefully noticed in above mentioned piece of prose:

  1. It gets over too soon.
  2. Booze makes the blessed chap's mouth water .
  3. The line We plan night outs so we can have a pleasent break from our dull routine ( it must be mentioned that not a single one of us have a routine so forget about it being dull), had me falling off the chair and laughing for 40 minutes straight. I mean, have you READ a funnier sentence all your life?
  4. I may be twisted, but, Our 12th exam had finished and on the same night we planned a session at Cp's house, sounds like an orgy.
  5. Meanwhile another friend started crying;reason: his small sister bullied him. I don't see the need to cry, unless you have Chucky for a 'small' sister.
  6. Meanwhile Corporal puked and the guy was still howling so i bet him black and blue while somebody broke all the glasses as all the cigarettes got over. I love how much action this sentence sees! If you notice carefully enough, there are FIVE things that happen in this one sentence. Profound...
  7. It all ended when Corporals land line rang at around 4am ( we were damn scared ). Scared by a land line ? Or did he mean land mine? :-S
  8. my friend if you are interested in more of our stories you can join us sometime and with or without booze ( ' with ' sounds better ) we will tell you all and plus you will become a part of one. Rush like a bullet from a gun to enrol first. The first ten members get a dunce cap, and six free 'sessions' in a month. Good 'service', too.
Needless to say, I hadn't read such a thought-provoking piece of writing since 'A for Apple, B for Ball...' I bet, Uglyhair hadn't too. But nice person that he is, he didn't discourage the chap from writing or anything; he simply didn't reply to the email. Instead, he just forwarded it to me. Really, Uglyhair's sensitivity moves me to tears, sometimes.

...And you complain that people these days just aren't as nice as they used to be!

Friday, May 30, 2008

Money, money, everywhere but not a coin to spend!

It's that frightful season again. The season where vacations are almost over, and you're moping about all over the place because you don't want to go that frightful hellhole (Read: school / college) you left behind last term. Seriously, why didn't I burn the building the last time, yaar, you question yourself over and over, but the reopening day just looms closer, in answer. Familiar? And don't say you enjoyed going to school / college, dear reader. Because traitors aren't allowed on my blog. :P

This year's funny for me though. I've just appeared for my TYBA exams, and don't plan to complete my Masters or anything immediately. So the next logical thing for me to do is take up a job, which I would really love to do. It's a weird feeling, of not going to a new year of education this year, but to something that grown ups seem to do. For at least a year or two (till I resume my education again), it'll be a life of catching trains, struggling to make it on time, working, mad colleagues, learning to grin and bear it, and so many other things. Wow! I'm growing up. And kindly don't leave 'you-think-working-life's-gonna-be-easy-think-again' messages. I know it's going to be trying. But just let me discover it for myself, ok? Thanks.

Now when I get my first salary, I need to buy quite a lot of things. I can't keep asking mum and dad for the dough every two days. Aaaargh! Goodness knows I need a job that pays me at least a lakh per month. That should be enough, me thinks. For now, these are an absolute priority. And I'm thinking of pawning my pearlies till I raise the funds for all my needs. (I DO have very pretty pearlies. You can eat your dinner off them!). Here goes:
  1. An external harddisk (For the amazing movies stuck on Mikachu's computer).
  2. A Creative Mp3 player (To filter out the rubbish songs that the gym churns out. Race songs, to be precise.)
  3. Books. At last count, there are about 7,567 books that I want to read.
  4. Get enough fuel and roam about in my car. In your FACE, railways!
  5. Gym clothes. Track pants especially. Also, I saw these amazing Nike tees that I must own. Damn you, Rebecca Bloomwood! (What? Shouldn't I be rewarded for my dedication?)
  6. Gym shoes for dad. The ones he currently owns are a nasty grey that I refuse to acknowledge.
  7. Clothes. For the rains. I haven't shopped in the entire summer, so I simply must, now. I NEED CLOTHES. For those of you horrible ones who have money at your disposal, Inorbit has some really good stuff you'd like. AND DO NOT WASTE MONEY ON CROCS. (Hate you for back-stabbing me on that one, Mikachu! :O)
  8. Bags. Jute. Leather. Everything. Raid. Baggit. Atria Mall.
  9. Mikachu's 21st birthday. Want to give her a birthday she can talk about to her five hundred grandchildren on her deathbed.
  10. A big treat when the White Phoenix comes to Mumbai. Since that isn't happening ever, my money's safe.
  11. Take a trip out of the city. The last time I went out was to Kashid. Last year. Funnily enough, on the first of June itself. :'( This time though, I'm gonna catch a flight.
  12. Buy lovely stuff for the all the people I love. To death.
  13. Try out Thai food. (Now why haven't I done that before?)
Ok, that's a scary list. I stopped adding items to that before I jumped off the terrace. Maybe tthe ones in my head will go away if I ignore them. Worth a shot, no? Perhaps selling my teeth as antiques from the Mauryan dynasty, to an unsuspecting foreigner at Colaba, is the only way to raise enough money for my escapades. :( Why is all the money in the world with Paris Hilton, Mukesh Ambani and the lecherous fatso Vijay Mallya?

Beats me.

Signing off. Hopefully the next time I update, I'll have a job or something.


Monday, May 26, 2008

A-moosing, innit?

Your resident cow, Moo, is truly flattered at the overwhelming attention she's receiving from her faithful readers. :D Thus, as promised, she has decided to make a post of all the Moo-isms that have been churned out in honour of her. For this, she would like to thank the Overrated Outcast for spreading the idea like an epidemic, G@k for being a quick learner, The Mugger Much who doesn't like to be left behind, the White Phoenix who is simply a copy cat and Mikachu, who cannot resist taking part in anything to do with me. So here goes nothing! And thanks to the efforts of the aforementioned blokes, Moo now knows what it is like, to be Bruce Lee. I bet no other living person has this feeling. ;)

Moo now proceeds with the task at hand:

Q: Which is Moo's favorite Prabhudeva Song?
A: Moo-quabla

Q: Which is Moo's favorite cocktail?
A : A Moo-tini

Q: Which is Moo's favorite city in the US?
A: Moo York

Q: If Moo was made the Chief Minister of Maharashtra what would Bombay be called?
A: Moo-mbai

Q: Which is Moo's favorite Karisma Kapoor song?
A: What is Moo-bile number!!

Q: What will Moo's "suhaagraat" be called?
A: The Moo-n landing

Q: Why does Moo keep watching Umraao Jaan?
A: Because she loves the Moo-jra

Q: What scooter does Moo drive?
A: A moo-ped

Q: What is Moo always wondering about?
A: To Moo or not to Moo

Q: Why is Moo a cannibal?
A: Because she eats beef.

Q: Who did Moo vote for in the UN secretary general elections? [or Moo's favorite Thai abuse]
A: Ban Ki Moo

Q: What drink does Moo ask for in a sports bar?
A: The Moo Shake

Q: Where does Moo go for a night out?
A: To the Moo-vies

Q: Why doesn't Moo do any work?
A: Because she has lots of Moo-lah

Q: What did the French guy call Moo?
A: Le Moo

(Moo credits The Overrated Outcast for the above gems).

Q: Moo's fav dance number?
A: Moo-ngda!

Q: Moo's fav cricketeer
A: Moo-ttiah Moo-ralitharan

Q: What is Moo's favourite Marathi Song?
A: Mi tujha mama, de mala Moo-ka!

Q: What is Moo's favourite dance step?
A: The Moo-n walk!

Q: Moo's fav beauty product?
A: Moo-ltani mitti.

Q: Moo's fav moo-vie dialogue?
A: Moo-gambo khush hua!

Q: Why will moo always be a lil girl?
A: Kyuki Moo-ch nahi to kuch nahi!

(...G@K came up with the ones above. Sigh! :D).

Q: What would you call Moo if she decided to blow up people professionally for a living?
A: Moo-jahideen

Q: How would you congratulate Moo if she married Obama and dressed up sluttily for the occasion?
Q: Moo-barack Ho.

Of course, Moo's favourite food crop is obviously "Moo-ng Dal".

Q: Moo's favourite South Indian diety?
A: Moo-rugan.

Q: Moo's favourite Bollywood gangster?
A: Moo-na Bhai.

Q: Moo's favourite civic hangout?
A: The Moo-seum.

Q: Moo's favourite district of Bihar?
A: Moo-nger.

Q: What weird-smelling vegetable do you get if you cross the Moo with Jet Li?
A: Moo-li !!

(Courtesy: The Mugger Much)

Q: What kind of money does Moo like?
A: Moo-lah

Q: What will moo have if she goes for a sex-change?
A: A Moo-stache.

Q: Moo's fav bollywood song for abt her nymphomaniac neighbour(if there's one)?
A: Padosan apni Moo-rgi ko rakhna sambhal mera Moo-rga hua hai deewana.

Q: When does Moo fart the most?
A: When she eats Moo-li parantha!

(That was the White Phoenix jumping on the bandwagon)

Q: What does Moo say when she's troubled?
A: Moo-si-bat hai!

(Mikachu came up with that!)

Q: What will the world know Moo's kid as?
A: A Moo-latto! :D

(Teehee...I came up with that!)

Mikachu, oh Mikachu...What do we do with you?

Fine. FINE. I'll write about it. But only because I want to.

Have I told you about my pet, Mikachu? Well, she's this crazy, freak I know, and I love to death. She's funny, random, quirky, impulsive and all the things I'm not. I'm not going to make this verbose, and just say that Miks is one of the bestest things that have happened to me in a while. She's THE ideal gal pal. :)

So I get this random call from her yesterday, telling me she wanted to meet up. Huh? On a Sunday afternoon? Can't it wait? NO. It can't. Meet at Bandra, will give instructions when you alight. 5ish. Click, went telephone.

Sigh. OK. Off I waddled (standing in the train all the way to Bandra) and I was given mafia style instructions by Mikachu's boyfriend (what do we call him?) to get to the place they were. What the fuck was with the suspense anyway? Were these people into drugs? Sex trafficking? With a weird sense of foreboding, I reached the place I was asked to come to. And was given a big grin and a welcome by her boyfriend (who we shall call Y) and I understood.

Of course. A tattoo parlour. I KNEW it.

We enter the tattoo parlour, and I'm greeted by a HUGGGGEEEEEE scream and a big hug from Mikachu. Followed by an annoyed look by the tattoo artist, who smiles at me. My eye wanders over to Mikachu's left ankle where inscribed is one of the most beautiful tattoos I've ever seen. It's in the form of a creeper, but instead of just leaves and flowers, there are words that the creeper is made of. 12 words, that describe Mikachu, or are symbolic of what she wants to be. Beautiful idea, really. And what I loved most about the idea is, that the entire idea was designed by Y, and the words are in his handwriting. The tattoo artist made an exact copy of the design, and inscribed it. That's what makes it so much more special. Y was only short of tattooing her himself! :)

I admit my teeth went all chatter-y with the ugly buzz of the needle. I hate the sound. I'd prefer getting poked in my gums by a dentist (which I quite like, actually), but to each, his own. At the end of the business, Mikachu has a beautiful tattoo and a lovely smile pasted on her face (which got a bit alarming later since she refused to stop smiling). I'd have posted pictures of her tattoo, except she doesn't want 'plagiarizing whore bitches hijacking her lovely, lovely tattoo'. Fair 'nuff!

People get weird stuff tattooed onto themselves. And in weird places too. The guy who owned the tattoo parlour Mikachu was in, has a tattoo on his tongue, and even on the soft skin below the tongue (and behind your lower teeth). Ouch! That mustn't have felt ticklish. There are some wierdos who get their girlfriends' faces etc. tattooed on various parts of the body. Just one question for these losers.

What do you do when you break up? ;)

Edited to add: As of now, we have 21 Moo-isms. For those who want to see a seperate post for them, keep adding more pearls of wisdom. :D Man, I feel like Bruce Lee! :P

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Pickled Tink *hic*

(Warning: Long post, but extremely well-written and worthless).

So after about a zillion weeks, Zander was sweet enough to take Moo out for a fun day to Inorbit. For those one and quarter faithful readers who've been tracking my health over the last two weeks, I'm much better now. Stomach upset is kinda there sometimes, but nevertheless, I decided to go hog on a very big lunch even if it proved to be my last supper. So this is what I ate:

1) Half a pasta (the spiral kind, dunno what it's called) with rose sauce (not the flower, but basically tomato and cream), and loadsa veggies.
2) One chicken drumstick in some amazing sauce.
3) A diet coke after what seems like a decade.
4) Half Chicken Caesar Salad from Pizza Hut
5) Half a Pepperoni Pizza with lots of cheese.
6) Half sizzling brownie with vanilla ice-cream (Courtesy: Cafe Coffee Day)
7) Lots of water.

* burp *

I think I ate enough for three Ethiopian adults. * hic *

Anyhoo, Zander and I roamed about for a zillion ages after that, looking at stuff in Lifestyle and Shoppers' Stop, after finally concluding that Calvin Klein and other assorted brands need to be reported for extortion. Call me cheap, but how can you justify a stupid plain yellow tee (the colour of pale poop, to be precise) at a price of 2500 bucks? I mean, did you forget a decimal after 5, or something? Silly, everyday jeans you wouldn't look at twice, priced at 3400 bucks, while somewhere else a white racerback with polka dots is supposedly worth a grand. I'm very fond of good clothes myself, and with friends like Mikachu, one really tends to become Rebecca Bloomwood, but let's face it. I'd rather use my crisp 1000 rupee notes as toilet paper, than throw it away on some random piece of ' branded' textile that you wouldn't even spit on. Pah!

What is the big deal about brands anyway? What is it about brands that make us so patronising towards people who buy clothes from regular stores? Personally, I have a few brands I completely adore, like Lee / Levis for jeans. I have yet to come across other brands which makes jeans like they're meant exclusively for my bum. Same goes for Adidas t-shirts. It's the comfort and fit that matters the most to me, although I've bought so many clothes and kurtis from random stores just because they were nice. But, I have a cousin who will buy tees and jerseys from Adidas or Nike, simply because he can yak about them to his friends later. Another friend has a stupid pair of Police sunglasses worth 10k, which I'm not sure he could even afford at the time. And believe me, they do nothing to distinguish him from the ass that he is. Cliched as it may sound, I still firmly believe that class and attitude comes from within. Don't try too hard by going to fancy places, unless you LIKE the stuff you're spending on. No one cares that much, really. So, the next time someone wants to dress up in street clothes, don't forget he may be more stylish than you are, what with your branded wear and all. I can't count the number of time women in ridiculously expensive clothes (and horrendously ugly) by Anita Dongre (AND, as her brand likes to be addressed) have made me guffaw. When you have style, it shows. Wearing clothes by AND, BUT, EITHER and OR isn't really the answer, people! Pasted that in your hat? Good. Now go dress nicely.

In other news, I've finally received the damned blog award that's been going around in circles, but never coming to me. Although I have a problem with it being pink, it will have to do. Maybe I'll get Zander to photoshop it into a deep blue or something. :P The Gentle Whisperer said so many kind words while parting with the award, that I was moo-ved to tears. Ok, so that was a sad one. :P Anyhoo, here goes my blog award!

I'm not sure I deserve this award, because I've seldom done anything for social welfare on my blog. Let's see, so far, I've laughed at the Chinese for their atrocious English (can't say I regret it though. It's still one of my favourite posts :P), I've only whined and whined about myself (although you can't say I didn't warn you ;)), been really mean about small girls who fell into the drain (and who unfortunately came out alive), written banal poetry, wished pedestrians were dead (ah, that was a fun, FUN, time!), written about 'my knight in shining armour' and some other stuff I'd rather not mention. The only worthwhile things I remember writing about is the social work bit and the RTO post. Weak defences, but will have to do. Sigh! It's been so long. So much time spent in observing people, their habits, exaggerating, mocking, being bitchy (if I don't like them) and then writing about them, watching the comments flow. If you've been the butt of my ridicule, all I can say is, behave yourself the next time. ;)

It's now time to pass on the honours. It was a tough choice to make, since most of my readers have a) either received the fucking thing before I did (hmph!), or b) don't even bother to update their bloody blogs. After contemplating for about 39.4 seconds, I decide to pass on the award to the following people. We, the Jury, are very biased, but you already knew that.

1) The White Phoenix: Because I love his blog, and I love him for the person he is. His laziness in updating his blog space would put a mule to shame, but once he does update, it's totally worth it. So here's a shiny, pink award for the Phoenix we all love.

2) The Overrated Outcast: NO one can talk pure rot with astonishing insight like this guy does. We met through a common friend, namely, Arjun Singh (the old hag with the reservations. Yes, that's the one) and today, we share a blog relationship like no other. We're both sarcastic bitches, with an opinion on everything under God's benevolent gaze, and this misanthropy is what is the foundation of the ardent admiration we share for each other. :D Oh yes, and how can I forget the compilation of Moo Jokes that he's so labouring on? He truly deserves this award like no other.

3) The Mugger Much: Now this guy truly deserves the award in the true sense of the term. I'm not sure I understand what he says most of the time, but nod intelligently and he'll love you. He'll write beautifully about anything ranging from short stories, to life at the IIT, to breakups or Communism. His brain needs to be transplanted when he isn't looking and inserted into my skull. So dear Croc, here's your pink award. It's all I could do. :P

4) Ess: This guy too, has a take on everything there is to have a take on, but subtlety is his middle name. He comes across as someone who'll make you feel like a jackass, but rather politely. Love his blog for the philosophy there is, but weaved in a rather fun, light way. So here I thrust the award on the unaware Ess. :)

That's about it, I guess. I expect link love and acknowledgment, not to mention some traffic diverted to my site after this whole charade. Don't think I doled about the pink picture because I meant the things I just said. Geez. And others interested in lobbying for it (we live in the country of Vijay Mallya), take me shopping and feed me a brownie, and the award's yours.

'Nuff said for one post.

*collapses with exhaustion*

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Illiteracy, thy name is Moo. :(

This slightly mean (but lots nice) woman I know, Chandni, is upto no good again. :( She's put up a list of books that you're supposed to have read by now. She seems to have gobbled the entire fucking list, while I don't score anywhere. I should kill myself. Anyhow, I'm being man enough to admit that I'm not well read, but I want to be. I REALLY DO! So I'm going to post the list of books here myself, the ones in bold being those I've read, while those in italics being ones that in the bookshelf waiting to be read. The ones whose fonts I haven't messed up are the ones I haven't read, nor own. Whew! Here goes. *sob*

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina

Crime and Punishment (hey that's not fair! I am about to start reading The Idiot)

One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights (I'm reading it)
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi : a novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote

Moby Dick
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey

Pride and Prejudice (finally I get to use bold on something)
Jane Eyre
The Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov (hasn't anyone heard of Dostoyevsky's 'The Idiot'?
Guns, Germs, and Steel
War and Peace

Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad

The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner

Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations

American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a memoir in books (
Memoirs of a Geisha
Wicked : the life and times of the wicked witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales

The Historian : a novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera

Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
The Count of Monte Cristo
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King

The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible
Angels and Demons

The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Correction
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Prince

The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes : a memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States : 1492-present
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Slaughterhouse Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots and Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake
Collapse : how societies choose to fail or succeed
Cloud Atlas

The Confusion

Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an inquiry into values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow

The Hobbit
In Cold Blood : a true account of a multiple murder and its consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Fuck that's just 13 books. *shoots self* Oh but just for general public welfare, I'm going to list some books that ABSOLUTELY must be in the list as well. Go read.

Half of a Yellow Sun - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
The Longest Memory - Fred D'Aguiar
Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe
Twelve Bar Blues - Patrick Neate
The Book Thief - Marcus Zusack
Gone With the Wind - Margaret Mitchell (WHY wasn't this in the list?)
Chocolat - Joanne Harris
The Diary of Anne Frank
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
The Rape of the Lock - Alexander Pope
A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
The Purple Hibiscus - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
An Old Captivity - Nevil Shute
The Colour Purple - Alice Walker
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
Love Story - Eric Segal
Boogers are my Beat - Dave Barry
Marley and Me - John Grogan
The Godfather - Mario Puzo
Harry. Fucking. Potter.
To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee (HOW did they forget this one? :O)

And I have to go now. I will add some more books later as and when I think of them. For now, I feel better at not being as illiterate as I initially thought. :D Teehee!