Monday, May 29, 2006

Not Fit to Love Me

Attitude… that looks good only on me.
No, not on you, you snotty-faced teen!
Yeah, so you hope to make me your arm candy someday,
Ma fille, believe me that ain’t happening, anyday!
Stop including me in your plans of the future,
Sticking to one person is just not in my nature.
Anyway, you just aren’t my kinda individual,
So let’s just keep this friendship casual.

What’s that? Why am I rejecting you?
Ah well, for that there are reasons more than one or two.
Let’s just not get into the intricacies of that, shall we?
You just aren’t what I would want my soul mate to be.
Why don’t you find someone more compatible?
Someone loving, caring, and even a little gullible?
So sweetie, don’t waste your time, and go find something to do,
Although why you bother to persuade me, I don’t have a clue.

Okay, who am I kidding? I love you more than I can ever express,
And now that I speak about this, I shan’t digress.
Why have you left me behind here, so carelessly?
And I used to think you loved me endlessly.
You didn’t even bother to turn around and give me a look,
Pah! For all your silly promises, you turned out to be a crook.
Nyah, now don’t bother, it won’t make a difference,
I’m closing the file on you now, kindly pardon my indifference.....

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Rib-Tickling Things heard in the Train (Muktaisms are present in brackets, of course!):

Lady # 1 (in rude voice) : Please take your newspaper aside, it might hurt me.
Lady #2 (cannot believe her ears) : Its just a newspaper, woman! Not an elephant wrapped in tissue paper. How can it hurt?
(Hee hee…bravo!)

College going gal (On the phone, supposedly to boyfriend) : No re, I won’t buy the red one. I know you hate red. And anyway, you said black lingerie looks best on me!
(Uh huh, sure…but nothing's what looks best on ya, baby!)

Woman (On the phone, to relative) : I am on my way to your place. I am bringing some mango milkshake and idlis from Sheetal. We shall start main course with that…(ugh! Mango milkshake and idlis, together? Really?)

Man (to his friend) : ... And remember the time we lined his butt crack with butter? Hardy har har…
(Doooooode…are you saying you unzipped a friend’s pants, turned him over, separated his butt cheeks, and actually put your finger(s) in there?)

Woman (to two other women, assuming discreet tone) : And you know? When I phirst deed eet with my hujhband na, I got verrry bad boils down over there. We couldn’t do all such activiteez for a month. (
Erm… just a leeetle doubt there. Will this particular gem of a conversation classify under ‘rib-tickling’ or ‘bile-rising’???)

Guy (to pregnant wife) : You’re in a Virar? Be careful, haan. I don’t want you to bring our baby in your hand…. Hahahaa….
(Mister, a Virar train is all about squeezing your insides outta you. So if your baby’s in there, see that it isn’t ‘out of hand’!)

Well, now do you know why train journeys can hardly be a bore?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Daylight Robbery!

Traveling in the train the other day, I felt a vast someone practically flop down on my lap. I turned to look at a really fat foreigner, sitting with one ass on my thigh and the other one on another lady. We both shot her filthy looks, but she was oblivious to them.
Cursing under my breath (she was really humungous!), I returned to my book. At just about that time, she noticed that a part of me existed under her, and readjusting herself she said, Oh, so sorry! I felt my anger ebbing away, and she gave me a sweet smile. I smiled back, and balanced my back on my lap this time. In case she decided my lap was a better place to sit on, or something.
Some time passed in sheer peace, when a vendor stepped in with an assortment of imitation jewellery. The foreigner beckoned him towards her, and he came to us yelling and screaming. He pickled everyone’s ears with constantly yelling Ae yerringsssssss, benglesssssssss, ringssssss layyyyyyyyyyyy.
Anyway, the foreigner (obviously new to the place) eyed all the (downright UGLY) jewellery like it was Swarovski crystal sold in a sale. She pointed to a pair of earrings, and the boy took then off the stand for her to admire.
She carefully looked at them for a while, and decided that that was what she had to buy. She asked him the price, and he said Char Sau Rupaiyya. I did a double take on that one. The firang turned to me to ask me how that would be. Four hundred rupees, I said. She looked pretty pleased with the sum Quite a steal, she remarked. I gave the vendor a dirty look, and thought it was time I took bloody matters in my own hands. So while the woman was rummaging in her purse, looking for four hundred bucks, I gently patted her arm. She looked up at me. The earrings are worth just ten bucks, twelve at the most, I told her. WHAAAATTTT? Oh my gaawwd! She exclaimed. Yep, lady. You can’t come to India and spend four hundred bucks in a train.
She rapidly zipped up her purse and started looking out of the window like nothing had happened in the last five minutes. The boy gave her a puzzled look, Oye madam, jaldi karo. Utarne ka hai mereko! he told her. The woman gave him one look, and yelled, I DON’T WANT TO BUY ANYTHING FROM YOU,YOU…YOU… BLOODY CHEAT!
After this dramatic outburst, everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY jumped in their seats. A small kid even started crying at this rude interruption to her sleep. Then the most bizarre thing happened. The woman just gave me a swift hug, and I almost died with astonishment. After the neck and back-breaking gesture, she gave me a sweet smile. Thank you so much for warning me. I couldn’t afford to get cheated since I want to wire money to my mum, back in England. I guess every rupee counts, eh? Thank you so much! she exclaimed, gratefully.
Having a great feeling in the heart region, I realized I had done my good deed for the day.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A REALLY funny thing happened the other day. I have a (brand crazy) friend, who I don’t prefer talking to much these days. Two years ago, we were the best of buddies, the kind who are just a little more than friends. Well, we stopped talking because of some crappy political reasons. Yes, people. I wish I was kidding, but I’m so not. Well, it’s a long story, and I don’t want to indulge in the gory details. But stuff like, I hate Maharashtrians and I am a Communist, does your friendship no good.

The day before, two other friends, Mr. Pseudo Yechuri and myself were to meet up to discuss a new venture we are contemplating. I messaged everybody to inform them of the place we to haunt that evening and at what time, namely the nearest McDonald’s (burgers go great with discussions!).

After receiving my message, Mr. Red calls me up. The following are the excerpts.

Him: Hey! Just got your message.
Me: Hmm…What about it?
Him: Wanted to talk about that.
Me: (confused) Oooookay….!
Him: Can we meet someplace else?
Me: Why?
Him: I try and avoid McDonald’s these days.
Me: Is it because of the mouldy cheese and stale bread you came across two years ago?
Him: Erm….no…not really…
Me: There is a Pizza Hut a stone’s throw away, in that case.
Him: Erm…no….not that either….
Me: (exasperated) Then where? Café Coffee Day? Barista?
Him: Erm… no… not really….
Me: (extremely irritated) And just why not?
Him: You won’t understand if I tell you.
Me: (back to being confused) Are you against fast food or something?
Him: Erm…no…not really…
Me: If you say that ONE more time, I shall go and scream into a pillow!
Him: Er…This may sound ridiculous to you, but I avoid places like Pizza Hut, McDonald’s and the others you just mentioned.
Me: (very very VERY confused) And why on earth is that?
Him: I try and avoid places with foreign capital investments. And since you know how I am about food, I might end up eating something, which I don’t want to do.
Me: You’re right, it does sound ridiculous.
Him: Well, that’s what I believe in. So I can’t really help it if it sounds ridiculous to you.
Me: Well okay, I’ll think of another place and let you know.
Him: Sounds good. Bye then.
Me: Bye.

So according to my friend, the moral of the story is that if you support the Communists, you’re not to sit and eat in a restaurant which has its roots in some capitalistic country. But its okay to wear Jeans manufactured by companies like Levis, Pepe, Wrangler and shoes by Sprandi, Reebok. Oh yeah, a Nokia phone doesn’t hurt too. Just no eating stuff, okay? You might get thrown outta the party if they know you shat capitalist shit that morning. Blasphemy!

Samjhe, bhidu? Now do you blame me if I don’t talk to him unless absolutely necessary?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

'Life' Of Misery

Played Life with Sonam the other day. The jingle of the goddamned game had a good three to four dismal voices howling You can be a winner in the game of Life! Sorry. I respectfully disagree. I DIDN’T win today! Come to think of it, I NEVER win! This just goes to show, that all the evil forces have come together to conspire against me to let me have what I exactly don’t want from life.

Lets speculate. If my life goes according to the game board, I will be driving all around the phases of life (in an ugly purple car), with a husband stashed somewhere in the back seat. What’s more, I can be as thin as that pink peg only in a game. That makes me morose. So as I was saying, we began by acquiring a degree each, she a lawyer’s and I, a doctor’s. We are supposed to be getting $50,000 each pay day. Now the nice things in the game, I have noticed, are not a part of my life. Stuff like the salary ($50,000!!!), for instance, or Sell ice cubes, win $120,000, or maybe even Find famous paintings, collect (a whopping) $480,000! However, I’m perfectly capable of having an uncle who will leave me a skunk farm as inheritance, for which I have to give up $200,000 of hard-earned money, let me add. That’s not all. The same uncle (I’m presuming he’s the same fucker) got himself into jail and I had to bail him out. The bail cost me $2,000. Can someone please give me an uncle worth writing about? An aunt (again, I assume it’s the same uncle’s wife), left me 50 blind cats, whose maintenance I had to pay twenty fucking grand for. Give me a break please. Will someone arrest these stupid troublemakers and keep them locked up for the rest of their miserable lives? Now for that maintenance, I will gladly pay whatever it takes. Turns out, they are not an end to the trouble. The real woe lies in the fact that Sonam has relatives who actually leave her cattle ranches, money and other goodies. Hmph. I hate my life. It breaks my heart to even write about each of the bad things I went through. So I will mention some of them as briefly as possible ( sniff) :

1) Goats ate my prize orchids worth $100,000. (I wish those goats years of sex with the Satan. I hope it HURTS.)

2) I had to save a polluted lake worth $240,000. (Why should I save it? Did I pollute it? I don’t recall peeing, shitting, vomiting or abetting anybody else to do the above mentioned activities. THEN WHY THE HELL I’M I PAYING FOR IT?)

3) I had to donate $10,000 to favourite charity. (Excuse me…erm…I don’t have a favourite charity. Yay! Both of us feel so much holier after you took the money I had saved for a knee surgery…)

4) I had to purchase false teeth worth $2,000. (Yes, folks. After selling off all my regular teeth to purchase them, I was kinda hoping that they’d be made of platinum and studded with rare gems. But all I got was regular looking false teeth. Then, why the atom bomb?)

5) I apparently need to buy a helicopter worth $100,000. (I didn’t ever see my money again, nor the aforesaid helicopter.)

6) Ruddy troublemaker uncle who-needs-to-die-and-come-back-as-something-useful is back! This time, he needs a car which I have to pay for worth $100,000. (Have I gotten a degree and a good salary to pay off all these people’s debts? Remember this, if you have uncles who like to piggy back off your efforts, NEVER get a good job.)

5) And yeah, whatever earnings I was supposed to get, like Win Nobel Prize, collect $120,000 or Climb Mount Everest, collect $250,000, were distributed evenly amongst Sonam and I, all because she had a ‘Collect Card’. This particular card can help the person get half of the amount I collect at a particular space. The ruddy sponge. I mean, its fun to sponge off other people, but not when someone whacks such large amounts from you.

Yes people, she went on to become a millionaire before me. The person who becomes the millionaire gets an additional $240,000 and a $48,000 bonus for every bastard kid. Which goes on to remind me, that I produced kids in three consecutive turns, and Sonam gave me no present. Her husband was apparently infertile after the first attempt, so they went on to adopt a son and daughter, both for which I had to gift the couple. Aaaaargh!

There were some good things about the game though. For instance, every Pay Day was fun. Added a bit to my bank balance. Also the money I fleeced from Sonam gave me ounces of pleasure. But she fleeced me more, mind you. Apart from that, getting royalties for writing bestsellers is also good. So in short, there was more agony involved than gaining anything. So, the next time, I will propose to play only if my only opponent is a two-year-old kid. Although, one can’t deny the chances that he might win.

Just one thing though. Can you tell me one place where I can redeem all those dollar notes for real cash?

Friday, May 05, 2006

Ask Yourself Sometimes....

The eye of my mind is totally dark,
What would do it good is a walk in a park.
I need to feel fresh breeze move through my hair,
Goodness knows I could do with rejuvenating air.
I wish I was a child, with bruised, scabby knees,
Feeling like conquering the world, atop seemingly tall trees.
This wandering mind just struck a thought,
I want to strike while the iron is hot.
Why can't humans stop being high-and-mighty?
Cease being uppity, pretentious and haughty?

Always are we caught in the mad rush of things,
Having no time for play and fun, or enjoy creaky swings.
Is this the perfect life for we sweat for and want?
What does this give you apart from a frail body and a face, gaunt?
Sometimes, for yourself learn to live,
Don’t watch your life slip by like through a sieve,
Don’t grow up to an old age of regret,
Sorry thoughts, repentance, is all you’ll beget.
So just remember those good old childhood days and smile,
Its not worth sacrificing everything just for that extra mile!

Monday, May 01, 2006

All's Not Lost!

Whoever said a 26” waist is just right?
Don’t mope about a pair of pair of pants, tight.
Go ahead, gorge on your favourite food,
Drink those canned juices, pamper your mood.

Looking for clothes your size is not a great matter,
Meanwhile, keep praying that you’re friends get fatter.
And yeah, chubby people generally have cute faces,
And have a few extra calories stopped people from reaching places?

Eat, drink and be merry is my motto of life,
“Thin is beautiful” is all pure tripe.
What’s so sexy about a skinny arm?
In the coziness of your hugs, lies the real charm.

So don’t be reluctant, don’t hesitate,
Tickle your taste buds and don’t watch your weight.
Cheer up people, think yourself indispensable,
Versus a skinny mini, a fat person is invincible!