Monday, July 04, 2011

Didn't poop stop being funny at age 5, Delhi Belly?

Perhaps being 24 has really made me older. Perhaps I’m not as ‘cool’ as I thought I was. Perhaps I’m not easily amused. Perhaps, just perhaps, I choose not to go gaga over something just because everyone else has. Or maybe I’m just a spoilsport.

I saw Delhi Belly over the weekend. Thankfully, shows at Fame, etc. weren’t available and we were forced to watch it at Cinemax, a modest multiplex charging 100 bucks a piece. I did turn up my nose at the theatre at first, but 20 minutes into the film, I couldn’t thank my lucky stars enough for the unavailability of shows in other theatres.

I missed the start of the movie by 5 minutes or so (by the end, I wondered why I didn’t miss all of it, but then, I digress). So Delhi Belly is your typical Bollywood confusion saga, where, in a nutshell an (important) package that has to be delivered to a gangster gets interspersed with…wait for it…a stool sample. Runny stool, if you must know.


I don’t know about you, but I don’t like seeing live potty descriptions on the big screen. Neither do I like farts and other scatological sounds filling up my universe for an hour straight. And no, neither do I like hearing obscenities every five seconds. Also, I don’t like tasteless, not to mention unnecessary, sex scenes filling up the screen, either.

And no, not because I’m a prude.

But because, I think everyone more or less excretes the same way. And swears the same way, too. Any reason why I must pay good money to watch tripe like this in a cinema hall? Since when has poop been funny? And when was the last time you heard a movie was given an adult certification ONLY because of extremely needless bad words and random oral sex shots?

My grouse with the movie is just that. Take away all of the above from the film, and you’re left with nothing. A mediocre background score, a negligible storyline, some terrible acting (except Vijay Raaz) and a bad aftertaste. Why Delhi Belly? Because of the loosies it causes. Which in turn gives you an excuse for all the poop references.

Clap clap.

When your premise for the movie is so weak in itself, what more do you expect, really? I think I completely decided enough was bloody enough when Raaz neatly pours the runny stool sample into a napkin.

Haha. SO FUNNY!!! Let’s all ROFL, shall we?

Perhaps what amazes me more than the absolute mindnumbing bullshit on screen (shit, did I say?) was the IQ level of the audience that was present at the theatre when I was. Every swear word (everyday words like your chutiya, gandu, MC, BC, gaand, etc.) were being ROFLed at. People went ballistic when one of the characters washes his butt with orange juice due to the unavailability of water. AND SURPRISE! HIS BUTT WAS STUCK TOGETHER!


Let me clutch your neck real tight and laugh some more, please?

Our audiences have the IQ of a rotting cabbage. Or am I still crediting them with more sense than they deserve? It’s sheer deprivation of good, quality cinema that makes people find everything funny. It’s depressing what amazing ratings the movie is getting, from film critics, people I credited with intelligence and other assorted species that were to at least have the brain of cock (cock – rooster #Geddit? HAHAHAHA.)
It’s a vicious circle. Feed the audience shit – watch them lap it up – feed them more shit – because they lap it up.

And yeah, don't even dare compare this shit to 'The Hangover'. 

And Aamir Khan, I'm sorry. I gave you a chance with Ghajini. But with Delhi Belly, I will hate you (like I hate the nonsense you've fed us).