There's a lot been happening in my life. Some things I can talk about, some things I can't. At least not here. Meet me on the other blog and I might tell you.
Anyway, having a really hectic week at work. There's a lot of stuff planned for the last and final issue of the year, and for once, I'm doing something that contributes to whatever the final product is going to be. I've always given it my best, but somehow I don't think anyone would miss me too much if I were to quit. That's not a very good thought. In fact, it makes me wanna quit at times, but hey! Nobody's going to elevate a junior to a pedestal in any case, are they?
I'm going to make this post about work. Because quite frankly, it's one of the things I really need to talk about. Last Wednesday, I got a "chat" from my boss, where he made me look at things quite differently. Some places, I admit he was a little unreasonable. Places where he expected me to come to work on my sister's wedding day, just because there was closing. In spite of me taking leave for just two days, in the first place. Anyway, he made me feel like a worm, and boy was I seething with anger! I spent almost four days clinically depressed at work, thinking everybody hated me. Entering office became a punishment, I couldn't wait enough for it to become five o'clock, when I could finally leave. I had almost made up my mind to quit on January 1, and get back to studying in June (which I'm going to do in any case). Mum tried to understand me, always trying to dissuade me from taking a hasty decision. Lammy kept telling me to quit if I was that depressed, but to remember that shit like this happened at every job.
Now, a full week and a half later, I think I've calmed down. I don't feel as insulted as I did, earlier. More importantly, I've learned my BIG lesson from the whole episode. That whatever I may think of myself, I'm still a snotty-faced junior in the industry, with infinite things to learn, a ego I must learn to banish and remember that nobody has anything against me, personally. I've also realised I've been a fool to not have understood this a full week earlier, instead of waiting for the blessed 5 pm time. Am I a government employee to watch the clock tick and pack my bags? Hell, no.
Since last Monday, there has been a lot of pressure at work, resulting in 13 hour days, etc. But you know what? Quite apart from the tiredness felt at the end of the day when you hit the sack, there's a certain indescribable feeling about giving it your 100% best and knowing that it was all you could have done in the day. And that's what makes it so worthwhile. So my boss yelled at me...So what? It was because I was not doing things the way I ought to have done. He's also gracious enough to acknowledge a job well done, without a second thought. He's considerate at all times when you're ill (even if it's closing time). At such times too, I'm a junior. But he still gives me the consideration that's due to me. He's impatient and unreasonable at all times, but he's also patient enough to explain why your story can be written in another way, and why you're wrong when you are. And in my mind I'm really lucky to have a boss like that at the beginning of my career, who teaches me not to make rookie mistakes. I learn so much from him, it's not even funny; little tips that are lessons for life. But above everything else, he's a great and ethical human being, so there's never a time when you have to compromise between 'exclusives' and integrity.
My first job has been quite a learning experience. I keep complaining about how I don't get more stories to do, at a time when I need more bylines. About how I'm only doing donkey work, when I do can do the stories the others get to do. But I've been doing a lot of thinking (!) and understood that everyone comes up this way. Nobody starts at the top, and whoever does, is never very successful. That my colleagues who get to certain stories and columns, may not be that much older than me, but know certain things I don't. Either they've been educated in a related field, or been working for about two or three years longer than I have. So basically, I've realised that nobody got it easy. Everyone has started from the bottom, and I have to, too.
Have I been immature in wanting so much out of my first six months at a full time job? Have I been stupid to even for a minute, think I've been victimised? Maybe. But I'm sure glad that I can look at things differently, now. At the onset, I know there will be times when I forget my own goody blog post, and go back to hating everything around me and wishing everyone was shot dead. But then, who doesn't have those times? But I also know I'll calm down and try and extract the good from whatever happens and leave the rest aside. That's why a person has two ears, in the first place.
Lastly, I keep telling myself that I'm not a quitter. That's what I'm bloody well going to prove out of this whole phase. I'll quit when I have to, only because of further education. Not because my boss yelled at me to get my act together. Hah!