Friday, December 21, 2007

A Heartfelt Epistle to Everyone on Foot

Dear Pedestrian,

How are you? In good health? Excellent. Because every driver wishes that a fat, juicy, , undisciplined pedestrian should be royally squelched under anyone’s car, but his own. (Why would you think I want anybody to die under my car and ruin the beautifully shining wheel plates? Geez…!)

Anyhoo, I’m taking the trouble to write you this letter, so that you may perhaps see sense and try not to ruin someone’s drive, although goodness knows you don’t deserve it. So dear undisciplined Peddy (can I call you that?), here’s how you need to behave when you’re walking in public.

1. You could try and not think of a main road as the personal space your father gifted you on your 18th birthday. You’re supposed to use a road (ANY road) as a thoroughfare to get to places, so don’t you think you need to EFFIN’ WALK FASTER THAN -0.345 kph/hr?]

2. Us taxpayers are paying taxes out of which the government finances footpaths. Foot path, get it? No? It’s a path you’re supposed to use when you’re making use of your feet to move. Does that ring any bells? Ah, I see the light of recognition in your eyes. So yes, when there’s a footpath, use it unless getting run over isn’t in your to-do list for the day.

3. When you walk, keep all parts of your body to yourself. If your arms and legs are walking in a straight line, why would you keep your butt dangling out? Don’t step out of the house unless all your body parts are properly aligned.

4. Peddy, my dah-ling…Do you hear a buzzing somewhere? No? Perhaps if you’d put that blasted cell phone away, you’d hear me honking my car’s boot out for you to GET OUT OF MY WAY!

5. Ah yes! When you’re walking in a straight line and you suddenly decide to cross the road to meet your neighbour’s pet dog at the other side of the street, you’re supposed to look carefully at cars that are whizzing at you. Since we drivers aren’t known to be mind-readers, kindly don’t expect us to sense what your next move is going to be, unless it involves being mashed up in my car.

6. For those of you happily married, and with kids, I’m sure you want to see them grown up (at least old enough to be able to shave by themselves). Umm yeah, so when you’re out for those beautiful long evening walks with the kids, don’t make them walk towards the side of the road. Of course if you want me to take your kid for a drive screaming and stuck to the bonnet.

And if you still don’t want to heed my kind words, I most sincerely hope that you get a leg or two broken, with treatment at the smelliest government hospital you can find. But do NOT ruin the drive of a good, talented and safe driver. Amen.

Loads of love (or not!),


The Shmoo said...

point 3 and 6 had me ROFL for sure... I just love it when you write!

Awesome article!
Keep it up...
Hope the crazy crossers take this seriously..

You should start circulating this as a forwarded message.. a lotta people need to learn how to make use of roads, when on foot.

Anonymous said...

kill all the people...



Anonymous said...

7. Peddy person (Can i use your nick for just a bit moo? Thanks.)
You might hear abuses nasty ones at that and get a finger or two when you're out doing random acrobatic influenced shit in the middle of a fuckin highway.
Deal with it. Cause you deserve it.
You deserve to die actually so be glad you got away with a lighter sentence (read mean hindi gaalis)!

Manoj Payardha said...

hehehe i would suggest you to have few rubber tires attached your bonnet and mudguard while driving.If it really is as bad as it sounds

Anonymous said...

Ah, a treat. I could so relate to the theme. I suggest we convert this into a poster campaign.

Well done. =)

Moo said...

Dear All,

Glad to see the post was well-received. =) Keep coming! Now for some individual thank yoos...

@ the Shmoo,

No, as of now, no 'Peddies' seem to have heeded my beautiful pearls of advice. :( So I'm still going for those 'Gaali' night classes.

@ Donnie,

My dear, did I mention that bikers are as much of a nuisance as pedestrians? No? Well there you go. :P

(But keep visiting my blog haan.)

@ Anonymous a.k.a. Pikachu,

I'm so sick of even swearing at them, since most of them are dumb enough to not comprehend what they just did. So, SIGH!

@ Manoj,

Will you help me redesign the car accordingly? :D

@ Ankur,

Nope, buddy. A poster campaign will be of no use. And who knows? The 'sentiments of the pedestrians' will be shattered!

Gentle Whispers said...

You have a definite talent for humour. I'm jealous. The entire post had me chucking as well. Brilliantly written.

And I'm going to link you if you don't mind.