Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My absolute dream wedding :|

Right. Calm down. No, seriously...Stop snorting out that wine. No one's getting married here. (Well, all my friends are, like it's the mating season, but that's a story for another day.) 

So let me explain. I was randomly surfing and stumbled upon this. Now since I grossly ignore this blog and haven't updated it in donkey's years, I thought I'll take part in this contest thing put together by So here are the rules, before I yap some more: 

"All you have to do is blog about one or more of the following topics:

1) My big fat Indian wedding

2) What “not to do” while planning a wedding!

3) My dream wedding – Simple or lavish?

4) Traditions I love/hate in Indian weddings

5) My wedding shopping spree!

Now I can't really yap about 'My Big Fat Indian Wedding' and 'My Wedding Shopping Spree' as much as I'd like to, since, er...being married is a pre-requisite here. I don't really have too much experience in the 'wedding planning' zone either, since the last wedding I attended was of my sister's, 10 years ago (I really had no choice there). And despite being certain I'd hate most traditions in Indian weddings if I knew what they were, I don't think I'd be any close to winning the competition writing about imagined traditions. So then, 'My dream wedding it is'. 

Well, knowing how much I hate weddings, I'm surprised I'm even arsed to write about them. If and whenever I do choose to get married, I'm certain my mum will have to prod (and slap) me awake at least thrice before I'm willing to get out of bed and bathe. Speaking of bathing, I should technically be allowed to not shower on my own wedding day (this in keeping with my philosophy of 'showering is overrated'). 

So well, here goes my dream wedding, and for those of you who still need it to be spelt out, it's going to be 'simple', to say the least. Well, here are the rules:

1) Gold is strictly to be banned at my wedding. I hate gold. HATE. IT. It's yellow and shiny and ugly and expensive. Anyone thinking of gifting me gold should first go to the nearest jeweller, sell it and present me with the cash. 

2) I should be allowed to wake up on the day I'm technically supposed to get married and decide whether I want to do it at all. No one should even raise an eyebrow if I chose to say, "Gah...It's too hot today. Perhaps I get married tomorrow, yes?"

3) The groom and I are going to wear shorts at our wedding. And so will our friends (If groom and friends don't agree with this, well, please point me to where I can buy a new groom and new friends). If you want to be wearing three layers of sarees and 25 kgs of gold, you're going to feel mighty stupid. Especially since I'm going to marry on a beach.

4) The minimum cut off for the present you buy me is Rs. 9,999. I will surely accept whatever you get me even if it's below the minimum amount, but I will judge you and call you names in my head (Names may range from cheapster, kanjoos, skinflint, etc.). Guests will have to declare their presents at the entrance, based on which their meals will be decided. Dal and rice for the cheapsters, a full 7-course gourmet meal for people gifting me a car / house / home theatre system, etc.

5) Relatives above the age of 45 (except my parents and the groom's) aren't allowed to the wedding. Separate video-conferencing facilities will be set up for them at home, where they can choose to watch the proceedings. A separate hotline will be arranged for them to leave me congratulatory messages. I'll be damned if I sit and answer all those phone calls.

6) There will be music along the lines of 'Kuan ma doob jaungi' and 'Ringa Ringa' to dance to. If this is too down market for your tastes, please get the eff out of wedding.

7) The bride must be allowed to take a power nap sometime in the afternoon. Guests may continue having fun in the meantime with housie or musical chairs or whatever it takes to get them out of my hair. 

8) I will canoodle with my husband in the middle of the venue. Beach tumhare chacha ka nahi hai. And don't forget, it's MY wedding. 

9) I may just walk out of my wedding if I get too bored. The groom can choose to join me or not, depending on the level of fun he's having. If he is, good for him. I'll be at home reading when he's back.

10) Please don't stand in line to get pictures clicked with me, in the manner of a rationing queue. Just tap me on the shoulder when I'm in the middle of dancing and go *click*. Don't be disheartened if I look spastic, though. 

11) No video shooting at my wedding. I don't want to be reminded of the biggest mistake of my life, alongwith with visual evidence. 

12) There will be free-flowing beer and breezers at the shaadi. People expecting Moet Chandon and Laphroaig should bring their own booze. This isn't an Ambani wedding.

13) Oh, and did I mention this is to be a court shaadi? I don't have the time, patience and the money to spend on pandits and their rituals. After the court, head straight to the beach. 

14) You will not come to my wedding and criticise anything about it. You will not call me fat or my husband names. You will come, have fun and leave at a decent time. Do not outstay your welcome since husband and I will want to go home and sleep. And by sleep, I mean sleep. Not the bonking kind.

15) You will not call up through the week and tell me how much fun you had. Please. Spare me the phone calls. I will assume you had fun anyway and leave you to it. All phone calls will be transferred to the earlier-mentioned hotline till further notice.

Ah well, I read through my own rules before I could proceed and I really wonder if I have any hopes in hell of snagging a man who is stupid enough to marry me. But since I believe in being optimistic and cheerful, let's hope that I marry someone who does not have access to the internet and my blog. Someone from Sudan, maybe? Or Iran? Or Aamir Khan? 

Now excuse me, while I go and register on See you at the wedding! ;)

This is my entry for's Wedding Week Blogging contest. My post's under the category 'My dream wedding - simple or lavish?'

Some gyaan on the contest: 

1) Become a member of 99labels (If you are not a member already) by clicking on the referral link at the bottom of this post. (You get Rs 100 worth of credit free to shop!) .

2) Create a log-in preferably using the email id attached with your blog. This is to protect the anonymity of some bloggers as the referral link (read rule 2) displays your email-id.

Post your referral link on the post (This means that whoever becomes a member clicking on the link gets Rs 100, and whenever you referral buys an item you get Rs 500). To find your referral link: 

-Log in on
-Click on “Invite friends” on the top menu.
-Go to bottom of page and look for “Copy and paste your personal invitation link” and paste the link at the bottom of your post E.g .  My Referral invite –

3) Copy and paste all the rules in your post.
4) Leave a link to your post in the comments section of the contest page of 99labels
5) Copy and paste the image at the end of the post and the category under which you have posted.

My referral link invite is: Buy some stuff off my referral and make me some money! #ShamelessPimping