Wednesday, July 18, 2007


I. so. suck. at. driving. Someone please get me a refund.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Driver Shikaau Ahe!!

So, yours truly had her first driving class today. Since I've never been on the driver's seat before, it took all my attention to keep myself from forgetting to hang onto the steering and stare out of the window thinking, "Hey, that truck's really close to my car!"

Anyhoo! Got along pretty well as far as first driving lessons are concerned. I crashed into just three trees, one roundabout and one autorickshaw. And yes, worthy of mention is also this one really old woman who seems to have lost the use of one foot ever since I passed (over?) her. Oh well, what does she need both legs for? Some people don't have even one.

The car looked really different when I was done with it. The bumper and the bonnet look..erm...out of this world. So that's what Dilip Chhabria feels like when he looks at a redesigned car. That was easy, I say...So how come he gets all the fame?

Now let me rant. A car is an effin' complicated contraption, I tell you. What I don't get is, the placing of the clutch, brakes and accelerator all in one line, at the feet. I mean, I have only the minimum number of feet granted by whoever grants feet - two, to be precise. How am I expected to control three things when I have to be looking at the mirror for other passing vehicles, stealing furtive glances at the rearview mirror to see who's tailing me, change bloody gears, hold on to the steering for dear life and watch out for signals at the same time? Pah, pah, PAH! What I would really like, is to have no clutch. Or maybe it could be voice sensitive? Yes? And perhaps we could do away with the gearstick too? Or merge all gears into one big gear stick to be operated by the backseat-warmers? No? C'mon! I need some help around here!

Thankfully, my instructor's pretty cool. Once you get past the constant paan-chewing and ugly-red-stuff-spitting ritual, he's pretty funny too. And for some reason, he called the radiator the 'readywater' (not a bad derivation, I say) and gave me a oh-this-girl-speaks-bad-English look when I said 'OH, the radiator!' in a sudden burst of comprehension.

I suppose that was it about my uneventful first day of driving school. More stories coming up as the days go by. But if I disappear from this space for a longish time, kindly come to Borivali jail and bail me out.

Toodle-ooo, me hearties!

P.S. Is it me or is there an old woman with one foot really floating under my building?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My Knight in Shining Armour

The title is self-explanatory enough. Don’t waste my time and read ahead.

1. First and foremost, if you’re Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, you don’t need to read the rest of the list. Just come on over with a platinum wedding ring.
2. But then, if you’re not Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, I don’t think there’s any point for you to read this list at all.
3. Still, if you’re so hell bent on having me as your soul-mate (sigh!), I’ll have to say that the least you can do is be lean and tall. I nurse this childhood myth that short men are very unromantic and grow fat easily.
4. Speaking of fat, don’t be it. I have enough fat reserve to last us both a lifetime, so we can do without your share.
5. I will allow no pets in my house (the latter has to be a two-storeyed thing, while we’re on the subject).
6. You must have a bike. If not, don’t bother to read further until you make arrangements for one.
7. You absolutely must have hair on your face. Somewhere. I will not allow Govinda wannabes anywhere near me.
8. Flashy underwear is strictly prohibited.
9. You will get up before me every day, and keep breakfast ready before I get up. Then, you can eat it with me. And you need to be a good cook, since it’s not acceptable that both of us have no culinary skills.
10. Please finish washing all the clothes regularly and don't keep work pending, especially since I’m nice enough to help you fold them up.
11. You’re not going to smoke or drink in my house. If you choose to, you might as well get a new wife, or a new house. Not both.
12. When I tell you to sleep on the couch, don’t ask any questions and just get lost.
13. Get this straight in your head – Shopping is absolutely a necessity for me. Don’t dare crib about a shopping spree. Ever.
14. Prepare to die if you ever forget a birthday or an anniversary. If you do, you will have a divorce notice waiting for you the next morning.
15. Don’t hover around me all the time. I may sometimes choose to go have a good time with people that don’t necessarily like you.
16. If you’re ever suspicious about me having an affair with somebody (especially if that person is my friend), then I’ll keep feeding your suspicions and ruin your life.
17. Don’t mess with me when I’m angry. Chances are that you are responsible for my wrath.
18. I need someone to hug when I’m sleeping. Although I don’t want you to be fat, please don’t be skin and bones, too.
19. I’m always going to cheat on you for Aamir Khan and/or Mel Gibson. Just be mature enough to accept it.
20. Oh yeah, no watching T.V. in my house. Or better still, let’s just not own a TV set.
21. Did I mention I don’t like people with yellow and crooked teeth? No? Well, there you go.
22. Do everybody a favour and don’t be ‘secular’. I have no patience with the likes of you.
23. The clauses in this list are subject to change without notice.

Now go away. Shoo…