Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My Knight in Shining Armour

The title is self-explanatory enough. Don’t waste my time and read ahead.

1. First and foremost, if you’re Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, you don’t need to read the rest of the list. Just come on over with a platinum wedding ring.
2. But then, if you’re not Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, I don’t think there’s any point for you to read this list at all.
3. Still, if you’re so hell bent on having me as your soul-mate (sigh!), I’ll have to say that the least you can do is be lean and tall. I nurse this childhood myth that short men are very unromantic and grow fat easily.
4. Speaking of fat, don’t be it. I have enough fat reserve to last us both a lifetime, so we can do without your share.
5. I will allow no pets in my house (the latter has to be a two-storeyed thing, while we’re on the subject).
6. You must have a bike. If not, don’t bother to read further until you make arrangements for one.
7. You absolutely must have hair on your face. Somewhere. I will not allow Govinda wannabes anywhere near me.
8. Flashy underwear is strictly prohibited.
9. You will get up before me every day, and keep breakfast ready before I get up. Then, you can eat it with me. And you need to be a good cook, since it’s not acceptable that both of us have no culinary skills.
10. Please finish washing all the clothes regularly and don't keep work pending, especially since I’m nice enough to help you fold them up.
11. You’re not going to smoke or drink in my house. If you choose to, you might as well get a new wife, or a new house. Not both.
12. When I tell you to sleep on the couch, don’t ask any questions and just get lost.
13. Get this straight in your head – Shopping is absolutely a necessity for me. Don’t dare crib about a shopping spree. Ever.
14. Prepare to die if you ever forget a birthday or an anniversary. If you do, you will have a divorce notice waiting for you the next morning.
15. Don’t hover around me all the time. I may sometimes choose to go have a good time with people that don’t necessarily like you.
16. If you’re ever suspicious about me having an affair with somebody (especially if that person is my friend), then I’ll keep feeding your suspicions and ruin your life.
17. Don’t mess with me when I’m angry. Chances are that you are responsible for my wrath.
18. I need someone to hug when I’m sleeping. Although I don’t want you to be fat, please don’t be skin and bones, too.
19. I’m always going to cheat on you for Aamir Khan and/or Mel Gibson. Just be mature enough to accept it.
20. Oh yeah, no watching T.V. in my house. Or better still, let’s just not own a TV set.
21. Did I mention I don’t like people with yellow and crooked teeth? No? Well, there you go.
22. Do everybody a favour and don’t be ‘secular’. I have no patience with the likes of you.
23. The clauses in this list are subject to change without notice.

Now go away. Shoo…


Anonymous said...

hahahahaha, i could die laughing. Demands demands gurl its very difficult to get a hubby like that.

you can try the new I-ROBOS

Rohit said...

Be.....single for ur life.....cuz ur nt gonna hv chance to mingle.....wid demands like dat.....

Mugger Much said...

I'm not too sure about Number 22. It militates against my sense of empathy.

Sorry about that.

meet deepti said...

A delightful read. With such a long list, I am sure that you are to meet your soul mate shortly!

Ess George said...

In Response To “My Knight In Shining Armour”

To: Women Everywhere From A Man Who Has Had Enough
•Learn to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
•If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. A truthful answer on this subject has never been rewarded since before we were monkeys. Accept that you have genetically conditioned us by now.
•Don't crop your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
•Birthdays, Valentines' and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect presents yet again !
•If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Be happy if we refuse to answer.
•Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
•Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
•When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes, you know far more about wearing them than we ever will.
•You have too many shoes.
•Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
•Crying is blackmail.
•Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really, really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
•We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
•Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. If you don't believe it, try it some time.
•"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
•Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
•Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
•A headache that lasts for 7 weeks is a problem. See a doctor. We reserve the right to seek alternate therapy.
•Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
•It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
•Anything we said 6 months ago is not permitted in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
•If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you cry or angry, we meant the other way.
•Let us oggle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic. Note that you oggle, too; we're just not wasting time focusing on the handbag.
•You can either tell us to do something OR show us how to do something, but not both.
•Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
•ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
•If it itches, it will be scratched.
•If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Btw, I didn’t write this.I just copy-pasted. Now go away. Shoo…