Saturday, June 07, 2008

Plase don't discurrage.

I was going to write a really whiny post, just about when I signed into MSN Messenger. Uglyhair was online, and for the first time in my life, I was glad to see him there. Now before I began bitching, I need to introduce you to Uglyhair. Uglyhair is this overly intelligent chap I know, who's always late and extremely hairy. He's 21, a writer, and even has his own online music magazine and stuff. Although the information I just provided you guys with is extremely irrelevant, all you need to know about Uglyhair is, that he's a bigger bitch than I am. And that's no mean feat. Oh yes, he's funny too!

So recently, Uglyhair was at this important office meeting, when a friend calls him up claiming an emergency. Uglyhair excuses himself from the meeting, and scuttles out in alarm. The "emergency" turns out to be thus: The friend knows someone who wants a job in the writing field. Could Uglyhair help him out? Please? So, just to shut him up, Uglyhair agrees. "Send me the guy's CV and a writing sample," says, Uglyhair.

Said friend agrees. And in a hushed voice, says, "Look, whether you like what he writes or not, don't discourage him!"

Uglyhair goes back to the meeting, and all is peace. He's even forgotten the "emergency", until he checks his email. This is the writing sample waiting for him (And I paste the email verbatim :P):

Subject: Plase read it

NIGHT OUTS

hey you might have gone on night outs with your friends , well i do too; for i find them very interesting ( you will know why) and so i am writing on this topic.We plan night outs so we can have a pleasent break from our dull routine ( it must be mentioned that not a single one of us have a routine so forget about it being dull) and have good booze ( my mouth is watering!!). Me and my friends agree with it and so we see that we at least have 15 sessions in a month and the following is one of such night out. It ranks first in our list ( it is not all exaggerated)
CORPORA L'S HOUSE

Our 12th exam had finished and on the same night we planned a session at Cp's house. It had rained so the weather was perfect and our logic paper was good so we were felling perfect. Our session went perfect ( too many perfects!) and we were just chilling out when suddenly a friend started crying; reason: his so called girl friend used him and did not care for his feelings ( neither did we), but as he started crying loudly we took him in the balcony and tried to explain him some shit ( remember we were drunk; by the way we had rum,Old Monk ). Meanwhile another friend started crying;reason: his small sister bullied him. This was at 3am. then another friend started yelling that he loved a girl very much and howled her name , while i was trying to jump from the balcony , at the same time reciting the logic answers. Meanwhile Corporal puked and the guy was still howling so i bet him black and blue while somebody broke all the glasses as all the cigarettes got over. It all ended when Corporals land line rang at around 4am ( we were damn scared ). What a PERFECT night!!!
my friend if you are interested in more of our stories you can join us sometime and with or without booze ( ' with ' sounds better ) we will tell you all and plus you will become a part of one.

Points to be carefully noticed in above mentioned piece of prose:

  1. It gets over too soon.
  2. Booze makes the blessed chap's mouth water .
  3. The line We plan night outs so we can have a pleasent break from our dull routine ( it must be mentioned that not a single one of us have a routine so forget about it being dull), had me falling off the chair and laughing for 40 minutes straight. I mean, have you READ a funnier sentence all your life?
  4. I may be twisted, but, Our 12th exam had finished and on the same night we planned a session at Cp's house, sounds like an orgy.
  5. Meanwhile another friend started crying;reason: his small sister bullied him. I don't see the need to cry, unless you have Chucky for a 'small' sister.
  6. Meanwhile Corporal puked and the guy was still howling so i bet him black and blue while somebody broke all the glasses as all the cigarettes got over. I love how much action this sentence sees! If you notice carefully enough, there are FIVE things that happen in this one sentence. Profound...
  7. It all ended when Corporals land line rang at around 4am ( we were damn scared ). Scared by a land line ? Or did he mean land mine? :-S
  8. my friend if you are interested in more of our stories you can join us sometime and with or without booze ( ' with ' sounds better ) we will tell you all and plus you will become a part of one. Rush like a bullet from a gun to enrol first. The first ten members get a dunce cap, and six free 'sessions' in a month. Good 'service', too.
Needless to say, I hadn't read such a thought-provoking piece of writing since 'A for Apple, B for Ball...' I bet, Uglyhair hadn't too. But nice person that he is, he didn't discourage the chap from writing or anything; he simply didn't reply to the email. Instead, he just forwarded it to me. Really, Uglyhair's sensitivity moves me to tears, sometimes.

...And you complain that people these days just aren't as nice as they used to be!

12 comments:

N said...

First off, I'm Uglyhair??? What the fark?! I've got positively glowing hair, at least when I'm in the shower. In any case, I suppose jealousy rears its ugly face out here too...!

And secondly, I didn't write back to Bal-ma because I didn't believe I was worthy of the honour his correspondence would bestow upon me. Like I told you, I'd have to coin my own words to describe what I felt when I first read his communication. If you can't spot the linguistic revolution that is waiting to be born in his writing, I don't know what to say to you, my dear lady. For example, I think, contextually, his use of the word "small" is nothing short of genius; genius of the Einstein variety, at that. It harks back to simpler days, when "small" just meant young and you could freely describe retarded people without having to use the term "challenged" in any form.

Also, I don't know about others, but the mystery of who called Corporal at 4 in the night/morning is just killing me, especially considering the fact that the phone call was obviously a significant factor in the night being PERFECT! I'm in half a mind to call Bal-ma and ask him about it, right now!!!

In any case, I didn't reply to the mail because, in Bal-ma's own words, the write-up was "too perfect" for me to reply!

Also, I had no idea what the fuck the wanker was rambling on about in that rant.

G@K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
G@K said...

C'mon n nd moo. U r being too kind. I think guys like these should be shot dead, before they get a chance to procreate and spread this disease further. Now that would be perfect!
All i wanna know is what stopped him from jumping off the balcony? With writing like that hara-kiri or seppuku is the best way to regain ur honour. (Hope he is reading...HINT HINT!)

mistercrowley said...

Someplace in this little masterpiece, this gent mentions that he was planning on jumping off a balcony...I wonder which miserable arsehole persuaded him otherwise?

Gentle Whispers said...

I hate Bad Grammar. Hate it. Hate it. Hate It with a capital H.

And completely aside from the post, I'm very pissed off and using this to vent my frustrations. Cause I'm too mindfucked to post about it on my own blog.

I apologise for hijacking your post. Muahhhhhh

Anonymous said...

AH which school?

avani said...

Thank you :D

the white phoenix said...

The writing was worth the monies. Atleasts it maked me laughed. This, my frieund is the new aged writing. The days will came when people starts caring abouts the contents rather then gramattical mishtakes. Mind you, you will be leaved alone if young writers like you don't prepare for the wrinting stiles of the future.

Over Rated said...

It's times like these that the little George Bush in all of us should stand up and say Is our childrens learning ? .

Over Rated said...

I meant *ask .... dammit!

this is just perfect ....

ess said...

I think it's great. Really. It shows just how one can bastardize English without invoking any stupid regional stereotypes.

Writing like this should be used to show kids how not to mess up.

And with course material like that, I'm sure all our childrens will learn. What say, O R ?

Mugger Much said...

What did it for me was the "Hey" at the beginning.
That, my friends, shows class, maturity, and the studied display of nonchalance that we maggots can only aspire to.

That, and the merciless slaughter of punctuation. Die, vile comma, die!!