Sunday, May 11, 2008

Goosey Zander

I'm slightly worried about Zander. For the uninitiated, Zander is my best friend, soul-sister, fellow bitch and partner in crime. Plus, what totally helped cement the friendship from my side, is that he owns a bike. And that it's (the bike's) always available as and when required. Oooh, and did I mention that he rides it like the bike's a part of his body? No? Maybe I didn't mention it because it would seem weird to have a bike as a body part. So now that I've got the introductions out of the way, I'll get to the problem in hand.

Like I said, I'm worried about Zander. This is the boy, who loves to do nothing. Erm yes, given a choice, he'd make an occupation out of just that. Nothing. Give him chicken biryani, a cozy bed and enough time to sleep, you wouldn't even notice he was there. He can be that inconspicuous. And believe you me, it's no mean feat for a giant like him to achieve - inconspicuousness. So this extremely lazy and content chappie, is gradually turning into a housewife (feminists, I don't think I really care about you, right now). Well, his mum and dad are out of town for a month, and he's home all alone. You'd think he'd gather the boy gang and host parties, go out clubbing, come back really late, oversleep, and you, the usual things boys would do. But sadly, my dear little Zandy Poo is doing none of the above. Instead, he:

  1. Wonders what he can cook for his next meal, uncannily like most mothers / women who cook, do.
  2. Wakes up at 5 every morning, and soaks clothes for the maid to come and wash.
  3. Wakes up on time, without anybody having to prod and poke and yell at him to move an eyelash.
  4. Leaves for work on time, after overseeing the general state of the house.
  5. Does NOT visit his male friends much, but comes home and sleeps.
  6. Hasn't boozed at all.
  7. Does the vessels regularly, without watching them pile up.
  8. Complain of household chores and the way everything needs to be scrubbed clean.
Wow! Is that the Zander I know? And is this what living alone for a week does to a person? Fuck! If I ever go abroad or even out of the city for a romantic weekend with my boyfriend, I'm packing my parents in a lunch box and taking them with me. Poor poor Zander.

Anyhoo, the mom took pity on my suddenly bachelor friend, and invited him home for lunch. Needless to say, he was really happy with the invite (although he won't admit his glee) and happily toddled along to my house. :) I bet the first thing that went through his mind was, Wow! that's some lunch money saved out of my monthly budget. Perhaps I can buy an extra kg of rice and hoard it instead! Much merriment happened, and after lunch we settled down for a movie, saw half of that, went outside for a quick chocolate brownie, came back, and everyone in the house settled down for a nice chat session. And Zander even exchanged a recipe with my mother! :O Chilly fry something. Fuck! It's funny how you think you know your best friend in and out, and he suddenly exchanges recipes.

After the recipe bit, my parents were convinced that little Zander was ready to tie the knot, and make some lazy woman lucky. And I couldn't agree any more. I mean, what's not to agree? He's smart, adorable, tall, generous, rich, side-splittingly funny, a biker, and he exchanges fucking recipes. I'd marry him right away, except Aamir Khan and I have this thing going on for really long now. He completely understands, though. Best friends, no? :)

Ok enough with the random nonsense. I attribute this nonsense post to lack of sleep (courtesy: Slonumb. The woman's been keeping me awake with phone calls right up to five in the morning these last two days). And, I dedicate this post to Zander, the rock of my life, the pain in my arse, and the throbbing in my head. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know I even had one. A head, not an arse. Cliched as this may sound, he's one person who I know will remain constant in my life, and keep me sane. I love you loads Zander, but slightly less than you love me. :D Don't ever leave me stranded in life, and kindly buy a new bike now. NO! NOT a Royal Enfield. :P Apart from that, you're quite alright as you are.

I repeat. I love you. A universe-full.

P.S. Don't tell him, but I might marry him if he whips me up a delicious sizzling brownie with vanilla icecream. Shhh...


Over Rated said...

Wow!!! If I am alone in my house for a week, the house is in such a bad shape that when the family comes back they actually have to get it refurbished. But that's me. However, what's happened to Zander is fairly common. Sad but true. I've seen it happen often. In one week, they turn onto housewives. I feel for Zander. Believe me, I do.

Good to see you all cheered up now after the last post (henceforth known as the post we shall not talk about) And I even thought of a joke to cheer you up .... :P

Q: If Moo was made the Chief Minister of Maharashtra what would Bombay be called?

A: Moo-mbai

Err...Umm.. Never mind.

*runs away as fast as he can*

Anonymous said...

oo thats very sweet of you liitle MOO to write a blog for me.

the DAL hmmmmmm.

loads of love yaar

Moo said...

@ Overrated,
Yes, "the post which shall not be mentioned" was a whole three days ago. You can't keep a cow down for long. :D Here I is, back to bedlam! :)

About Zander, I think he'll turn back into his original self when his dad comes back in two days. The bitch doesn't do ANYTHING then. :D Lol... And the joke was actually quite true. I'm going to my profile and changing my location RIGHT now. :D

@ Zander,

You don't have to feel shy enough not to leave your name. :) So now that Mr. Nosey has read the post, when do I get the brownie? :(

the white phoenix said...

I have been living alone for around six months. By your deduction i should have grown past a housewive and should have turned into an old haggling housewife - which I have not.

So all your Zander needs is a good guys night-out with a lot of alochol and he will be back to normal.

You may ask How?
Well he will come back home drunk, drop dead on the couch, wake up with a real bad hangover. So when he leaves the house, he won't get a chance to think abt the house but his hangover. Then his whole day in office will be screwed up, so when he comes back, his mind will be in no state to cook. And so he will get back into the vicious circle of life.

MOTS: Being a true friend, gift him a bottle of spirit, when he treats you with the choc. brownie.

Homecooked said...

Such a sweet post :) Your friend is getting happy for the girl he marries :) And why do u get to have a thing with Aamir? I have been waiting in line for so long....infact since QSQT :)

G@K said...

Tell your housewife to go here

ess said...

Yeah, I've seen that sort of transformation happen when guys live alone. I actually took pride in keeping my hostel room neat, for the one semester that I stayed alone.

Although exchanging recipes is a bit much, I must say.

And no, definitely not an Enfield. They're awful and old. Period.

chandni said...


WiseAss said...
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WiseAss said...
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Moo said...

@ Prats,

That's the problem, my friend. He doesn't GET the time for a nightout with friends. Works hard, you see, unlike SOME people I know!

*wink wink*

Oye, and you DO crib like a housewife sometimes. Don't deny it. :P

@ Homecooked,

Sorry lady, Aamir's been booked forever. You can keep Shahrukh, once you make sure of his gender. ;) Keep visiting! :)

@ G@K,

The site doesn't make sense. Is possessing testosterone, a prerequisite? :P

@ Chandni,

Thaaaaaaaaaaks! Although your comment tells me that you've still not driven the pigeons / sparrows away from your house. (Think: Tweeeet) :P

Moo said...

Ooops I missed out Ess! Here goes:

@ Ess,

Yes, I agree about the Enfield. They're stupid and bulky and noisy and fat. What I'd really like him to buy is, the new CBZ Xtreme, The Karizma R or the Pulsar 220cc. Although the red wheels of the Karizma are a bit toooo much. :'(

And when I said recipes, take it with a pinch of salt. Lol ... ;)

Zander's soul sister :) said...

You just described my transformation..Zander must be my soul-brother!! I was this lazy-ass person who used to watch television to survive..and I made a hole in my couch..seriously!! When I came to college alone..I transformed into this room is clean all the time..You will NEVER find piled dishes in my kitchen..and I swap recipes with friends and friends is not a guy thing..!! it happens to some special lazy ppl! :) *Fist shakes with zander*

G@K said...

I just realised that over rated has said in one week they turn onto housewives... :O This is more serious than I thought.

Pikachu said...

Mother of God :@$$#%
I thought I was your soul sister and all that ... but no .. apparently i have competition :(

This is what happens when you go out of town to a remote village with no (/ very little) network coverage.
Your best friend substitutes you.

@ Everyone with a friend/ friends
( Sadly Moo's my only one :$ ):
Employ pigeons / other messenger sources if you want to keep your friend YOURS :p

@Niw: Really should have got you a bag of sweat and sand from the Rann.

* sobs *
Current state: Hurt, confused and depressed.


Moo said...

@ Pikachu,

Do I really need to comment, anymore? :P You KNOW no one can EVER EVER take your place. :)