Played Life with Sonam the other day. The jingle of the goddamned game had a good three to four dismal voices howling You can be a winner in the game of Life! Sorry. I respectfully disagree. I DIDN’T win today! Come to think of it, I NEVER win! This just goes to show, that all the evil forces have come together to conspire against me to let me have what I exactly don’t want from life.
Lets speculate. If my life goes according to the game board, I will be driving all around the phases of life (in an ugly purple car), with a husband stashed somewhere in the back seat. What’s more, I can be as thin as that pink peg only in a game. That makes me morose. So as I was saying, we began by acquiring a degree each, she a lawyer’s and I, a doctor’s. We are supposed to be getting $50,000 each pay day. Now the nice things in the game, I have noticed, are not a part of my life. Stuff like the salary ($50,000!!!), for instance, or Sell ice cubes, win $120,000, or maybe even Find famous paintings, collect (a whopping) $480,000! However, I’m perfectly capable of having an uncle who will leave me a skunk farm as inheritance, for which I have to give up $200,000 of hard-earned money, let me add. That’s not all. The same uncle (I’m presuming he’s the same fucker) got himself into jail and I had to bail him out. The bail cost me $2,000. Can someone please give me an uncle worth writing about? An aunt (again, I assume it’s the same uncle’s wife), left me 50 blind cats, whose maintenance I had to pay twenty fucking grand for. Give me a break please. Will someone arrest these stupid troublemakers and keep them locked up for the rest of their miserable lives? Now for that maintenance, I will gladly pay whatever it takes. Turns out, they are not an end to the trouble. The real woe lies in the fact that Sonam has relatives who actually leave her cattle ranches, money and other goodies. Hmph. I hate my life. It breaks my heart to even write about each of the bad things I went through. So I will mention some of them as briefly as possible ( sniff) :
1) Goats ate my prize orchids worth $100,000. (I wish those goats years of sex with the Satan. I hope it HURTS.)
2) I had to save a polluted lake worth $240,000. (Why should I save it? Did I pollute it? I don’t recall peeing, shitting, vomiting or abetting anybody else to do the above mentioned activities. THEN WHY THE HELL I’M I PAYING FOR IT?)
3) I had to donate $10,000 to favourite charity. (Excuse me…erm…I don’t have a favourite charity. Yay! Both of us feel so much holier after you took the money I had saved for a knee surgery…)
4) I had to purchase false teeth worth $2,000. (Yes, folks. After selling off all my regular teeth to purchase them, I was kinda hoping that they’d be made of platinum and studded with rare gems. But all I got was regular looking false teeth. Then, why the atom bomb?)
5) I apparently need to buy a helicopter worth $100,000. (I didn’t ever see my money again, nor the aforesaid helicopter.)
6) Ruddy troublemaker uncle who-needs-to-die-and-come-back-as-something-useful is back! This time, he needs a car which I have to pay for worth $100,000. (Have I gotten a degree and a good salary to pay off all these people’s debts? Remember this, if you have uncles who like to piggy back off your efforts, NEVER get a good job.)
5) And yeah, whatever earnings I was supposed to get, like Win Nobel Prize, collect $120,000 or Climb Mount Everest, collect $250,000, were distributed evenly amongst Sonam and I, all because she had a ‘Collect Card’. This particular card can help the person get half of the amount I collect at a particular space. The ruddy sponge. I mean, its fun to sponge off other people, but not when someone whacks such large amounts from you.
Yes people, she went on to become a millionaire before me. The person who becomes the millionaire gets an additional $240,000 and a $48,000 bonus for every bastard kid. Which goes on to remind me, that I produced kids in three consecutive turns, and Sonam gave me no present. Her husband was apparently infertile after the first attempt, so they went on to adopt a son and daughter, both for which I had to gift the couple. Aaaaargh!
There were some good things about the game though. For instance, every Pay Day was fun. Added a bit to my bank balance. Also the money I fleeced from Sonam gave me ounces of pleasure. But she fleeced me more, mind you. Apart from that, getting royalties for writing bestsellers is also good. So in short, there was more agony involved than gaining anything. So, the next time, I will propose to play only if my only opponent is a two-year-old kid. Although, one can’t deny the chances that he might win.
Just one thing though. Can you tell me one place where I can redeem all those dollar notes for real cash?