Monday, July 04, 2011

Didn't poop stop being funny at age 5, Delhi Belly?

Perhaps being 24 has really made me older. Perhaps I’m not as ‘cool’ as I thought I was. Perhaps I’m not easily amused. Perhaps, just perhaps, I choose not to go gaga over something just because everyone else has. Or maybe I’m just a spoilsport.

I saw Delhi Belly over the weekend. Thankfully, shows at Fame, etc. weren’t available and we were forced to watch it at Cinemax, a modest multiplex charging 100 bucks a piece. I did turn up my nose at the theatre at first, but 20 minutes into the film, I couldn’t thank my lucky stars enough for the unavailability of shows in other theatres.

I missed the start of the movie by 5 minutes or so (by the end, I wondered why I didn’t miss all of it, but then, I digress). So Delhi Belly is your typical Bollywood confusion saga, where, in a nutshell an (important) package that has to be delivered to a gangster gets interspersed with…wait for it…a stool sample. Runny stool, if you must know.


I don’t know about you, but I don’t like seeing live potty descriptions on the big screen. Neither do I like farts and other scatological sounds filling up my universe for an hour straight. And no, neither do I like hearing obscenities every five seconds. Also, I don’t like tasteless, not to mention unnecessary, sex scenes filling up the screen, either.

And no, not because I’m a prude.

But because, I think everyone more or less excretes the same way. And swears the same way, too. Any reason why I must pay good money to watch tripe like this in a cinema hall? Since when has poop been funny? And when was the last time you heard a movie was given an adult certification ONLY because of extremely needless bad words and random oral sex shots?

My grouse with the movie is just that. Take away all of the above from the film, and you’re left with nothing. A mediocre background score, a negligible storyline, some terrible acting (except Vijay Raaz) and a bad aftertaste. Why Delhi Belly? Because of the loosies it causes. Which in turn gives you an excuse for all the poop references.

Clap clap.

When your premise for the movie is so weak in itself, what more do you expect, really? I think I completely decided enough was bloody enough when Raaz neatly pours the runny stool sample into a napkin.

Haha. SO FUNNY!!! Let’s all ROFL, shall we?

Perhaps what amazes me more than the absolute mindnumbing bullshit on screen (shit, did I say?) was the IQ level of the audience that was present at the theatre when I was. Every swear word (everyday words like your chutiya, gandu, MC, BC, gaand, etc.) were being ROFLed at. People went ballistic when one of the characters washes his butt with orange juice due to the unavailability of water. AND SURPRISE! HIS BUTT WAS STUCK TOGETHER!


Let me clutch your neck real tight and laugh some more, please?

Our audiences have the IQ of a rotting cabbage. Or am I still crediting them with more sense than they deserve? It’s sheer deprivation of good, quality cinema that makes people find everything funny. It’s depressing what amazing ratings the movie is getting, from film critics, people I credited with intelligence and other assorted species that were to at least have the brain of cock (cock – rooster #Geddit? HAHAHAHA.)
It’s a vicious circle. Feed the audience shit – watch them lap it up – feed them more shit – because they lap it up.

And yeah, don't even dare compare this shit to 'The Hangover'. 

And Aamir Khan, I'm sorry. I gave you a chance with Ghajini. But with Delhi Belly, I will hate you (like I hate the nonsense you've fed us).


My Foot? said...

... which means I will be waiting for the DVDRip. #Chindi&LovingIt

(must stop using those on sites other than Twitter).

Anonymous said...

Even your post is more funnier than the 90-minute movie..Spot on,Girl :):)

Anonymous said...

too good. . do we look for this space every friday !

Oolszimp said...

And this is why we are friends.
Cause poop and penis aren't words that make us pee with laughter.
Super awesome post.
I'm so happy i didn't watch the movie just because people said it's cool.
Dumb gits.

WiseAss said...

Super awesome post. Thanks for the advance warning. *watches movies at home instead*

Ms Right said...

How do you always end up writing things that linger in my head. :P

Mr Aamir Khan was trying to prove that Indian Cinema has to evolve. But m sure this isn't the way to go.

Nice post.

Plain Vanilla said...

Promise I won't watch the movie. P-R-O-M-I-S-E.

70mm said...

well-written...Its well 'packaged' crap that the 'wannabe kool' audience will realize soon! :-)

SwB said...

Best thing I've read on this godawful movie! I like you Whiny the Moo.

pri said...

thanks for the warning..i was expecting it to be overrated anyway!! :-|

Aditya Mehta said...

Cinemax sells a ticket for 100 bucks?

Which city are you in?

amusingveracity said...

Ah your post has been very useful, thank you.. I'm sure this is far more entertaining than the movie.. ;)

Nizar Ahmed said...

so true and agree till the last word. Not sure what Aamir Khan and his wife Kiran Rao had in mind. This defo not the way to evolve the mainstream cinema from India.

Saw this and regretted paying 250 in Delhi. 3 weeks back

Rahul said...

Moo, first of all I must have to thank you for this post,I wish I could have tagged this post to many of my friends. This is one of the most non-sense & dirtiest movie ever. Feeling better, at least few people like you and your readers have still better choice than other audience making this movie good business on box office. In fact this movie should have been dumped at the censor board itself. Anyways amazing post Moo. Keep going! I wish I could have read this one before watching the movie.

shrecks said...

i did find delhi belly a lil disgusting..but i can find reasons why ppl find some of it hilarious..u never know what kind of shit guys do..i had a frnd who used beer instead of orange juice in the sequence u just u know..there is stuff ppl can relate to..but yes..poop was definitely overdone.nice blog.keep mooin !

Noodle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Noodle said...

hahahahaha...thanks for holding my attention till the very end. Hilarious. I couldn't have agreed more, considering I had to deal with Delly Belly in Hindi. No, i am not saying English poop smells better than Hindi poop. But i am sure, "She gave me oral pleasures" is better than, "Usne mera choosa hai!!"

Loved the review.