Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tryst With Reliance

As a rule, I have always avoided having any stint with Reliance whatsoever. There have been so many instances where friends and relatives have tried to tempt me into getting a Reliance cell phone because they have attractive schemes. Inspite of all the pressure, I have steadfastly avoided any contact with Reliance. Until a month ago. The laptop provided by my company came with a Reliance Wireless Internet card. And since begins my tale of woe.

I have come to terms with the fact that the Reliance internet is extremely slow. So slow, that you can click on a link, go for a quick pee, wash your hands, drink some water on your way back, eat a biscuit and return to find that the computer is still trying its best to open the link. Sigh! Well, so what has happened is, I was stupid enough not to courier my bill to my office on time. Thus, they [the office] took their own sweet time dispatching the cheque and resultantly, my internet services have been discontinued. Sniff.

This morning, I put forward a call to my accounts department and demanded an update on the payment to Reliance. They told me they'd forwarded the cheque and furnished me with its details too. Ahaan! There was nothing that could stop me from getting my services reconnected again. Armed with all the details, I called up Customer Care.

*Lady with pretentious voice*

"Welcome to Reliance Customer Care. For information in Zulu, please 778.58. Your call is importantttt to us. Pleeeease, hold the line!"

*2nd Lady with a squeaky voice*

"Refer Reliance Net to your frands, and win exciting prizes like webcams, knickerbockers, stapler pins, safety pins. For more information, please speak to our executive."

Both these women alternatively kept repeating the SAME lines over and over, for a full 20 minutes till I reached the point where hopping on one leg and beating my hand over my chest seemed the sanest and most logical thing to do.

FINALLY, after what seemed like a decade or two, a morose sounding person named 'Saaathishh' picked up. After that, the conversation went as follows:

Saaathishh: Gudd maarning, this is Saaathishh how may I asshist you?

Me: 'Morning. I wanted some information regarding my Wireless internet payment.

Saaathishh: Surtanly Maadam. Plizz help me with your number.

Me: Number? What number?

Saaathishh: Your number, maadam.

Me: Yes, which one?

Saaathishh: The one you are hauuwing.

Me (confused and sensing a throbbing in the temples): I don't have any number. Could you please specify?

Saaathishh: The Reeeliance mobile number you are hauuving with your caaard.

Me: Oh that. You should have mentioned it earlier.

*Saaathishh jots down number*

Saaathishh: Okay maadam, what eez thee praablem?

Me: I have paid my Reliance bill via cheque on blah-blah date. The cheque no. is so-and-so and it is drawn on favour of ICICI bank.

Saaathishh: Huh?

Me: Excuse me?

Saaathishh: What?

Me: What?

Saaathishh: Nothing.

Me: Eh?

Saaathishh: What?

Me: Nothing.

Saaathishh: I shall hauve to put you on hold. Let me check thee inphormation.

Me (furious): How much are you going to keep me on hold? Firstly you guys never receive calls on time. Secondly, you have such incredibly whiny music that makes me want to cry. And thirdly, WEIRD WOMEN WITH EQUALLY WIERD VOICES KEEP REPEATING SAME LINES OVER AND OVER AND OVER...

Saaathishh (like nothing happened): I will have to keep you on hold.

Me: But...

*next second, repetitive woman with the weird voice catches me unawares*

"Refer Reliance Net to your frands, and win exciting prizes like webcams, knickerbockers, stapler pins, safety pins. For more information, please speak to our executive."

*Followed by*

Welcome to Reliance Customer Care. Your call is importantttt to us. Pleeeease, hold the line!"

Just as I felt tears of self-pity well up in my eyes, Saaathishh returns. Seriously. I don't know which was worse.

Saaathishh: Sorry Maadam. We hauve no resivd any inphormation regarding thee payment. When did your hoppis [office] made the payment?

Me: 22nd.

Saaathishh: April?

Me: Huh? How can it be April? March, obviously.

Saaathishh: Okay. Sorry Maadam. You will hauve to go and check in the nearesht Reliance WebWorld. We hauve not resivd records for any such payment. Anything else I can help you with?

Me: No thanks.

Saaathishh: Thank you for calling Reliance WebWor-


That was me hanging up. After wasting 20 minutes on the phone with a man named Saaathishh (who I bet was smelly, too) and enduring the murder of the English language (what the hell is hoppis, anyway?) all he said was to go to the nearest Reliance gallery. Yeah. I will. And when I go there I will tell them to employ you, dear Saaathishh, to assist people in the language you speak at home. Or maybe you just need to go home and gorge on an overdose of sleeping pills.

Ruddy fuckahs!

Moral of the story: Reliance harms. And not only does it mess up your pocket, but also your mental well-being. *sigh*


donnie said...

O god this is Hilarious stuff, me is so sure u gonna do well in the future. I like reading your blog and good to see u all geared up and writting

Keep it up

Rohit said...

Actually copy this and forward this to whoever owns this shit....(webworld or whatever)...hv faced similar prob wid my relience phone....neways...nice one....keep on writing....

sameer mhatre said...

i am happy that i don't own any reliance stuff except electricity :D.
i face such problems with mine cable net guy :( who knws only how to fix cables and god only knws how i make him understnd my probs :(..newaz

nice post keep it up :)

Neil said...

To add to all of this, Reliance is taking over everything it sets it's eyes on. Last heard, they had a major stake in Jockey undergarments. It's a mad, mad world.

WiseAss said...

Hilarious! especially the 'saathish: what?, me: what?' duet you had with the guy.

Manoj Payardha said...

i would have found it more hilarious had i not been dead :(

WiseAss said...

Dear Danke-Chanke, do u mind updating your blog once in a while? Know for a fact that the next post will not be worth the wait, but we can only hope, right?

Bland Spice said...

am from iaw - orkut.

this is hilarious!

mukta said...

@ bland spice

Thanks a ton, mate!! Very flattered. :)

Anonymous said...

hey, your're RUDE!!! Satish was just doing his job. You have a problem with Reliance, deal with that. He's probably getting a shitty pay anyway. As for you, bet you get stuck pronouncing complicated names of gourmet dishes at posh restaurants!

mukta said...

@ Anonymous,

Erm...excuse me! It's MY blog and I can do and say whatever I fucking please here. And I may have trouble pronouncing names of complicated dishes, but you have trouble writing simple words. Please read your comment carefully, and you'll know. And if you can't.....hehehe....

Well, what are you anyway? Do you suck so bad that you don't wanna leave your name? Just a question!

oliverwithatwist said...

Brilliant....with the Wodehousian parley with Saaathisshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why don't you take this up seriously like i told you to?