Tryst With Reliance

As a rule, I have always avoided having any stint with Reliance whatsoever. There have been so many instances where friends and relatives have tried to tempt me into getting a Reliance cell phone because they have attractive schemes. Inspite of all the pressure, I have steadfastly avoided any contact with Reliance. Until a month ago. The laptop provided by my company came with a Reliance Wireless Internet card. And since begins my tale of woe.

I have come to terms with the fact that the Reliance internet is extremely slow. So slow, that you can click on a link, go for a quick pee, wash your hands, drink some water on your way back, eat a biscuit and return to find that the computer is still trying its best to open the link. Sigh! Well, so what has happened is, I was stupid enough not to courier my bill to my office on time. Thus, they [the office] took their own sweet time dispatching the cheque and resultantly, my internet services have been discontinued. Sniff.

This morning, I put forward a call to my accounts department and demanded an update on the payment to Reliance. They told me they'd forwarded the cheque and furnished me with its details too. Ahaan! There was nothing that could stop me from getting my services reconnected again. Armed with all the details, I called up Customer Care.

*Lady with pretentious voice*

"Welcome to Reliance Customer Care. For information in Zulu, please 778.58. Your call is importantttt to us. Pleeeease, hold the line!"

*2nd Lady with a squeaky voice*

"Refer Reliance Net to your frands, and win exciting prizes like webcams, knickerbockers, stapler pins, safety pins. For more information, please speak to our executive."

Both these women alternatively kept repeating the SAME lines over and over, for a full 20 minutes till I reached the point where hopping on one leg and beating my hand over my chest seemed the sanest and most logical thing to do.

FINALLY, after what seemed like a decade or two, a morose sounding person named 'Saaathishh' picked up. After that, the conversation went as follows:

Saaathishh: Gudd maarning, this is Saaathishh how may I asshist you?

Me: 'Morning. I wanted some information regarding my Wireless internet payment.

Saaathishh: Surtanly Maadam. Plizz help me with your number.

Me: Number? What number?

Saaathishh: Your number, maadam.

Me: Yes, which one?

Saaathishh: The one you are hauuwing.

Me (confused and sensing a throbbing in the temples): I don't have any number. Could you please specify?

Saaathishh: The Reeeliance mobile number you are hauuving with your caaard.

Me: Oh that. You should have mentioned it earlier.

*Saaathishh jots down number*

Saaathishh: Okay maadam, what eez thee praablem?

Me: I have paid my Reliance bill via cheque on blah-blah date. The cheque no. is so-and-so and it is drawn on favour of ICICI bank.

Saaathishh: Huh?

Me: Excuse me?

Saaathishh: What?

Me: What?

Saaathishh: Nothing.

Me: Eh?

Saaathishh: What?

Me: Nothing.

Saaathishh: I shall hauve to put you on hold. Let me check thee inphormation.

Me (furious): How much are you going to keep me on hold? Firstly you guys never receive calls on time. Secondly, you have such incredibly whiny music that makes me want to cry. And thirdly, WEIRD WOMEN WITH EQUALLY WIERD VOICES KEEP REPEATING SAME LINES OVER AND OVER AND OVER...

Saaathishh (like nothing happened): I will have to keep you on hold.

Me: But...

*next second, repetitive woman with the weird voice catches me unawares*

"Refer Reliance Net to your frands, and win exciting prizes like webcams, knickerbockers, stapler pins, safety pins. For more information, please speak to our executive."

*Followed by*

Welcome to Reliance Customer Care. Your call is importantttt to us. Pleeeease, hold the line!"

Just as I felt tears of self-pity well up in my eyes, Saaathishh returns. Seriously. I don't know which was worse.

Saaathishh: Sorry Maadam. We hauve no resivd any inphormation regarding thee payment. When did your hoppis [office] made the payment?

Me: 22nd.

Saaathishh: April?

Me: Huh? How can it be April? March, obviously.

Saaathishh: Okay. Sorry Maadam. You will hauve to go and check in the nearesht Reliance WebWorld. We hauve not resivd records for any such payment. Anything else I can help you with?

Me: No thanks.

Saaathishh: Thank you for calling Reliance WebWor-

*blank*

That was me hanging up. After wasting 20 minutes on the phone with a man named Saaathishh (who I bet was smelly, too) and enduring the murder of the English language (what the hell is hoppis, anyway?) all he said was to go to the nearest Reliance gallery. Yeah. I will. And when I go there I will tell them to employ you, dear Saaathishh, to assist people in the language you speak at home. Or maybe you just need to go home and gorge on an overdose of sleeping pills.

Ruddy fuckahs!

Moral of the story: Reliance harms. And not only does it mess up your pocket, but also your mental well-being. *sigh*