My Knight in Shining Armour

The title is self-explanatory enough. Don’t waste my time and read ahead.

1. First and foremost, if you’re Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, you don’t need to read the rest of the list. Just come on over with a platinum wedding ring.
2. But then, if you’re not Aamir Khan or Mel Gibson, I don’t think there’s any point for you to read this list at all.
3. Still, if you’re so hell bent on having me as your soul-mate (sigh!), I’ll have to say that the least you can do is be lean and tall. I nurse this childhood myth that short men are very unromantic and grow fat easily.
4. Speaking of fat, don’t be it. I have enough fat reserve to last us both a lifetime, so we can do without your share.
5. I will allow no pets in my house (the latter has to be a two-storeyed thing, while we’re on the subject).
6. You must have a bike. If not, don’t bother to read further until you make arrangements for one.
7. You absolutely must have hair on your face. Somewhere. I will not allow Govinda wannabes anywhere near me.
8. Flashy underwear is strictly prohibited.
9. You will get up before me every day, and keep breakfast ready before I get up. Then, you can eat it with me. And you need to be a good cook, since it’s not acceptable that both of us have no culinary skills.
10. Please finish washing all the clothes regularly and don't keep work pending, especially since I’m nice enough to help you fold them up.
11. You’re not going to smoke or drink in my house. If you choose to, you might as well get a new wife, or a new house. Not both.
12. When I tell you to sleep on the couch, don’t ask any questions and just get lost.
13. Get this straight in your head – Shopping is absolutely a necessity for me. Don’t dare crib about a shopping spree. Ever.
14. Prepare to die if you ever forget a birthday or an anniversary. If you do, you will have a divorce notice waiting for you the next morning.
15. Don’t hover around me all the time. I may sometimes choose to go have a good time with people that don’t necessarily like you.
16. If you’re ever suspicious about me having an affair with somebody (especially if that person is my friend), then I’ll keep feeding your suspicions and ruin your life.
17. Don’t mess with me when I’m angry. Chances are that you are responsible for my wrath.
18. I need someone to hug when I’m sleeping. Although I don’t want you to be fat, please don’t be skin and bones, too.
19. I’m always going to cheat on you for Aamir Khan and/or Mel Gibson. Just be mature enough to accept it.
20. Oh yeah, no watching T.V. in my house. Or better still, let’s just not own a TV set.
21. Did I mention I don’t like people with yellow and crooked teeth? No? Well, there you go.
22. Do everybody a favour and don’t be ‘secular’. I have no patience with the likes of you.
23. The clauses in this list are subject to change without notice.

Now go away. Shoo…