Cleanliness and Godliness? In the same sentence? REALLY?

This was a completely not-very-funny-in-the-joke-sense-but-so-completely-true SMS that I received ages ago:

Democratic differences between USA and India: In USA you can kiss in public but can’t shit; in India you can shit in public but can’t kiss.

SO fuckin’ true, na? I mean, really! How many times have we seen people on railway tracks at seven in the morning, producing crap patterns in a manner that would befit only a chocolate softee producing machine? RAILWAY TRACKS? Ugh…And I thought puking on a classmate in playgroup was the most disgusting thing ever (erm…I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but that dirty deed could be credited to me).

I really can’t get over how really DIRTY some people can be. Not only have they not heard of basic cleanliness, but their dearest activity on earth would be in proving to people that they’re ‘Saying NO to Personal Hygiene!’ vehemently. And some others are just plain crude. So to simplify it for you, O Dear Reader, there are the following types of disgusting individuals that are roaming freely about this planet (and without a straitjacket):

The ferociously smellies: Gosh. There is a limit how much some people can take the trouble to smell. While some pong like they are life members of the Bandra creek, some are innovative enough to smell like pee. I don’t even know how it is possible to smell of urine unless you hire someone to pee on you, but believe me there are people out there who’ve achieved this task. I remember this one electrician who’d come over to repair some stuff, and my technologically challenged mum called me out to test whatever he’d tinkered with. The minute I stepped into my beautiful hall, a smell that could have only been attributed to a league of unwashed rats sent by Lucifer himself, hit me square in the nose and knocked me backwards. We almost had to disinfectant the hall. Concerned electrician was a victim of unwashed clothes. I’ve heard that the Al-Qaeda is having serious talks with him for their next terror attack. Their latest press release said that they’ve FINALLY got their lethal weapon to shake an entire railway station by its foundation by its mere presence.

Fungus Footed Peeps: Not only do aforementioned folks have horrible smelling feet, but they are fiercely proud of the edge they have over everyone else. Such individuals seem to leave their noses in the butt pocket of their jeans, and conveniently leave them there as long as their feet are smelling. One more habit above mentioned folks seem to inherently possess, is to kick off their shoes they minute they sit down, and spread the joy. Consequentially, they’re surrounded by corpses in the manner of cockroaches dying of a huge hit of ‘HIT’.

The Burp-a-lots: Members of this type of unsocial behaviour generally seem to have either eaten a horse for breakfast, or swallowed a frog with their tea. People with special inclination towards horses give out REALLY loud, continuous burps, with absolutely zero qualms. In fact, they seem to react to their own contributions in a very matter-of-fact, relaxed way, and not letting it upset their newspaper reading sessions in the train or their conversations. Meanwhile, the froggy burps are a law unto themselves. They’re generally a series of small, continuous croaks, and at any minute, you’d expect the person to unfold a really looong tongue and eat up a fly passing through the air.

‘Private’ Scratchers: You’re quietly walking, minding your own business when you suddenly spot this uncle tugging, pulling and rummaging around his crotch like there’s no tomorrow. He’s making enough movement to cuddle an elephant. And it’s no mean feat to violently scratch your crotch AND feel completely unashamed about it.

Unwaxed vixen: Now I’m not endorsing waxing as an activity because it’s fashionable. Nor am I saying you need to do it because hair is something to be ashamed of. But, statistics and surveys (and other things people do to prove a point) have shown that your hair and your feet are the first places where bacteria likes to permanently set up home. Hence, get rid of excess body hair. But quite apart from the usual stuff, don’t you think it’s really gross? All you ‘chic’ women out there wearing capris, skirts, sleeveless tops, boat necks, cowl necks and other assorted blah, GET RID OF THE HAIR FIRST. I really don’t think that looking like Anil Kapoor is on your to-do list, is it?

Nosey diggers: WHAT do people look for, when they’re digging their noses? Missing cutlery? A friend’s address? New lands? But I really don’t think Christopher Columbus found America by digging his nose (being a man, he refused to ask for directions and landed on what is known as USA).

Now I need to go throw up. So I’m going to go and leave you free to add more categories. Happy barfing! :p