Watch TV or kill yourself? Tough call!

I'm not going to waste time on a prelude here, and get straight to the point. Why is television so mind-numbingly boring these days? WHAT channel are you supposed to watch when you want to just de-stress? One can't keep watching Discovery and National Geographic all the time. Star World and Zee Cafe has some good stuff (reportedly, not that I watch), but what's the point? I can't just start watching the middle of a sitcom or something and get it. Get it?

I may not the best person to judge television around here, perhaps because I switch it on for leisure, like once a month (unless I'm watching something specific). Unfortunately though, my dad has these phases when he'll annoy the whole house with idle TV watching. These television bouts comprise of him changing channels at the rate of 3 channels/second, while the rest of the house hops on one foot in sheer frustration (at about 13 hops/minute). Last night, when he was at his channel changing best, we came across 300 channels that kept speaking about that silly kid Vandana who fell into the Borewell. Yes, I'm a really big bitch with no sympathy for stupid children who wander far away from home. I never did that. In fact, I did something that deserved wider audiences. I feel on my nose in school once! :-O We were playing a harmless catch-and-cook, when some whore tripped me. And the part of my body that came into contact with the ground first was my nose. I left a bloody trail all across the ground to the first aid office, and I used up three handkerchiefs trying to hold the blood in. Now for a 10 year old me, that was HUGE. And even for the other 10 year olds, let me add. But even then, I didn't notice any army people coming with ice cubes to curb the blood, nor did I see any television crew hanging about me. So what is so special about the-girl-who-lived-against-all-odds-Vandana?

Today's news channels are such, that anything qualifies as news. On a serious note, a two-year-old falling into a borewell for 27 hours and still managing to remain alive is news. But somehow, the cynic in me refuses to see why it was streamed live. Wouldn't a news bulletin suffice? Did nothing else of remote consequence happen in the country? Whatever, I still don't get it. It's ridiculous how all news channels latch onto the most worthless issues and keep ruminating on them for aeons. Laloo Prasad brushing his teeth with a neem twig is captured live, Salman Khan mentioning Aishwarya Rai's name in a byte is spoken about for an hour, Tanushree Dutta being mobbed results in her giving out interviews for over two days (I think she staged the whole thing for publicity), Raju Shrivastava is given space to make banal jokes on a news channel, seriously, what next? Amrita Arora's neighbour wearing pink chuddies will hit headlines? Wait a minute, is it Amrita Arora, or Ahuja? Whatever, to that!

So this is news, huh? Now that's news!

That was just news channels I got off my system. I've recently heard (on a news channel), that countless people are now losing their eyesight. Why? Because of horrifyingly ugly women donning jarring sarees and make-up that would blind a dinosaur. These women are seen on every possible TV channel, that does not telecast news and Cartoon Network. Add to the horrid get up, is shoddy camera work, that makes one wonder if the cameraman was touching himself while the shoot was happening. What's with the constant camera jerks accompanied with CHHANG CHHANG DHAMMMM DHOOOOM music? Beats me. Is that all women do? Dress up like they're going for twenty weddings at once and keep plotting against each other? Oh no. The real nice women are so sweet, that they cloy you. All you want to do by the end of it all is to throw up on the person sitting next to you.

What is one supposed to watch on television for some fun? Movies? Ads? Sports? No. The answer lies thus:

Watch cartoons. Not the stupid I'm-gonna-blow-your-effin'-brains-out-with-my-sharp-shooting-bubblegum kinds, but the cute harmless ones. Like Tom and Jerry. Or Lulu. Or Bugs Bunny. What the hell, even the silliest cartoons are alright. Just stay away from them news channels and soaps, unless you want mashed brains.

Now I'm gonna go and watch some nice movie on my DVD player. Maybe you could do that too. :)

THIS is what you SHOULD try...

Found this nice 'Visual DNA' test thingy, which makes you choose a picture for every definition they ask you. Makes not enough sense as I say it, but you should go check it. Really. The test isn't very accurate or anything, but the photographs on the site are really beautiful. :)

Enjoy. :)

I'll be in my cocoon when you need me.

Tagging Along!

I was going to grace you people with a big, long post about my birthday (which was GREAT!), but I didn't get around to doing it. Now, it won't make sense to talk about it anymore. I am now 21, so I get over these things faster. :P

Anyhoo, I'm taking up this tag on someone's blog I was reading and methought I'll give it a shot. It's my first time taking up a tag, so please humour me. Also, I shall feel really bad if someone I tag doesn't take it up and ignores me.

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (without taking their names):

1. How come you're never around when I need a hug?
   
2. I really think you are the most fake, sly, pretentious person to ever grace the planet. Kindly do NOT try being cute with me.
3. I think you can do better than mope about your loss. Did she even deserve you?
   
4. You are the reason good things happen to me. I just don't ever know, how to say it.
   
5. I wish you'd given me a chance. But perhaps it's a great thing you didn't. That way, I realised what an extremely self-centered and superficial person you are.
6. For the umpteenth time, parents isn't pronounced 'pAArAnts'! The same rule applies to 'message'.
   
7. Never mind. I love you too much to keep reminding you about it.
   
8. I may not be a very good writer, but you don't have to keep making it obvious.
   
9. I really am a big girl now. Maybe not as big as I think I am, but not as young as you think I am, either. Leave me be.
10. Can I just punch you? And then cuddle you like there's no tomorrow?

Nine things about yourself:

1. I am scared of most things. That can include lizards, traffic, escalators, the dark, screaming, horror flicks, and most other stuff.
2. I am addicted to the internet. I can spend days on the web without coming up with anything productive.
3. I socialize on the internet, with adequate discretion.
4. I love hanging out with boys. Girls (with the exception of a handful) bore me to no end.
5. I am an un-cleanliness freak.
   
6. I hate showering (which does not mean I don't shower regularly).
7. I bite my nails and extract blood from the cuticles. This is more of a habit, and certainly not an under-confidence issue.
8. I haven't watched TV in the past 1 month.
   
9. I dislike going to people's houses for any reason whatsoever.

Eight ways to win your heart:

1. Be able to cook amazingly well, especially butter chicken.
2. Get me presents that aren't toys or pink.
   
3. Have a killer sense of humour and have traces of a brain.
4. Don't lambaste Harry Potter (or anything for that matter), without even reading the fucking book.
   
5. Eat as messily as I do. People handling knives and forks like they're flowers or something, deserve to die.
6. Give me my own space. I don't like explaining myself to anybody.
7. Have a bike. Or a Skoda Octavia. Or an Audi.
   
8. Be able to swear well.
   

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Where the fuck are my slippers?
2. Why am I even giving these stupid exams?
   
3. I need to clean my room someday.
4. Will anybody hire me even as the resident sweeper?
   
5. I must buy it soon.
6. Perhaps I should blog about this.
7. Will I ever be a better writer?

Six things you wish you never did:

1. Puked on Darshan, in playgroup.
2. Made friends with a long list of people.
3. Remained silent on certain occasions when I should've ideally made a big noise.
4. Hurt my parents.
5. Delayed joining the gym.
6. Read 'One Night @ the Call Centre'.

Five Turn offs:

1. Bad breath
2. Body odour
3. Braggarts
   
4. Lack of spunk or intelligence.
5. Too much hair.

Four turn ons:

1. The sunset
2. Bike rides
3. Seeing my name in print
4. A warm shower on a long, cold, rainy day.

Three things you want to do before you die:

1. Buy a Skoda Octavia with my own money.
2. Learn how to play tennis or squash.
3. Adopt a child.

Two smileys that describe you:

1. :D
   
2. :|
   

One confession:

Oh, loads of stuff. But this really ain't the place to do it. :)

I tag:
Anyone who has the time. But specifically, I tag The Wiseass, The White Phoenix, The Silent Entity and The Guru Cool.

Goodbye, Second Decade!

On the last day of my life's second decade, I'm slightly melancholic. Now I'm all set to enter a milestone year (21, for those having trouble with the math) and I'm feeling slightly weird. I don't know what course the future will take, whether I'll be allowed stupid errors in judgment just because "I'm still a kid". Now it'll be the me in the widely and universally discussed, big bad world. Right. On this note, I take the liberty to reminiscence about a few things. Some fond memories, others, not so fond.

In the past year I have...

Been a friend to as many people as I could, trying to go out of my way to make someone's life a little easier. As of today, I don't think I've purposely turned a deaf ear to someone who wanted me by their side. Forgive me, if I have.

Loved a few people with the depth of my being. In fact, I still love them enough to do anything for them.

Worked for an entire year at a job I barely liked. But worked, nonetheless.

Read quite a few good books, but not as many as I'd liked to have read.

Written very less for a person who wants to take up writing as a career. And written loads of rubbish too.

Realised that Pikachu is the ideal girlfriend ever. Life without her would be a lot less messy, but a lot less amazing fun too. Here's to the only girl I adore to bits *raises 25 vodka shots (she knows why such an extravagant number :P ) *

Taken undue advantage of Doordarshan (I'm renaming him in this post, so stay tuned) and never managed to tell him how much I love him. He's somehow always been a part of all the good things happening in my life, and at most times, responsible for them. I'd be so totally lost without his giant presence. *wink wink*

Met a lot of genuinely nice people in weird places such as the internet (!). They've made me realise that people on the net need not always be dickheads. They can be fatheads too. :p Heehee... Deserving special mention at this precise spot are The Guru Cool, The White Phoenix and The Nicest Geek. Hate to admit this and bloat your already helium-ed egos, but you have made a difference to my life in ways I'd rather not mention. ;)

Joined the gym. And in three months, lost almost 5 kgs. Oh yes, I'm not quitting anytime soon, either.

Learnt how to drive responsibly and safely.

Imbibed a variety of swearwords that refuse to unstick themselves from my brain. :(

Actually had a cellphone review printed in the newspaper. And received compliments for it.

Known what it is like to lose a coveted dream job through no fault of your own.

Studied really less.

Enjoyed college life.

Learnt German enough to identify German words. :(

Shopped a little too much.

Failed to eat a cheesecake. :'(

Realised that this list is never-ending and my faithful readers are going zzzz....

Anyhoo, time to pick up phone calls and open presents. Promise to write if my birthday is eventful. Wish me a happy birthday!! :D

P.S. I think I will rename Doordarshan in my next post. :P

Birthday blues (and reds and blacks and greys and whites!)

So, your Moo is getting exceptionally whiny and jumpy even by normal Mooey standards. This week, we are turning exactly 21 years of age, and we have to celebrate our birthday studying Amitav Ghosh and Robinson Crusoe. Not a good life, this. Quite enough to get even the happiest cow in the world, down!

Add to it, I haven't been able to go shopping (serves me right for excessive shopping throughout the year) and I have nothing to look forward to. Pikachu and Gugu have given me a treat already, with the most wonderful presents in the world. So that's done. My sister hasn't gone shopping for me yet, for "lack of time". *guffaws LOUDLY* And I already know what my mum's giving me (hint: it's NOT a tractor). Ah well, that leaves me intrigued enough only for Doordarshan's present (who needs urgent lessons in subtlety, though). He randomly called me up the other day, and THIS is how the conversation went. And as Dave Barry says, we are not making this up! ;-)

* Cell phone rings *

Me: Hello? What's up, Doordarshan?
Doordarshan (without any ado): Do you like black, white, red or grey?
Me: Good afternoon to you too. Nice weather, no?
Doordarshan: Shut up and answer the question. (Repeats question one).
Me (rather grumpily): Depends on what you're buying. All are good depending on the object it will colour.
Doordarshan: Hmm. Do you like Nike, Reebok or Adidas?
Me (almost jumping happily in manner of Tarzan): Are you buying me shoes? Or gym wear?
Doordarshan (getting irritated with lack of suitable answers): Do you like Nike, Reebok or Adidas?
Me: Nike and Adidas. ARE THEY SHOES?
Doordarshan: Right. Nike and Adidas. Seeya! Bye!

* hangs up*

Hmph. Darned Doordarshan. I'm going crazy wondering what Nike or Adidas thing he's bought me, that is red / black / grey or white. And that's the only present I can expect. Sheeesh. I'm one greedy cow.

:(

Ok this was truly a random post. Like the (highly overrated) compulsive confessor says, I'll give you a more structured post next time. Toodle-oo!

P.S. My birthday's on the 22nd of this month. Wish meeee!

Cleanliness and Godliness? In the same sentence? REALLY?

This was a completely not-very-funny-in-the-joke-sense-but-so-completely-true SMS that I received ages ago:

Democratic differences between USA and India: In USA you can kiss in public but can’t shit; in India you can shit in public but can’t kiss.

SO fuckin’ true, na? I mean, really! How many times have we seen people on railway tracks at seven in the morning, producing crap patterns in a manner that would befit only a chocolate softee producing machine? RAILWAY TRACKS? Ugh…And I thought puking on a classmate in playgroup was the most disgusting thing ever (erm…I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but that dirty deed could be credited to me).

I really can’t get over how really DIRTY some people can be. Not only have they not heard of basic cleanliness, but their dearest activity on earth would be in proving to people that they’re ‘Saying NO to Personal Hygiene!’ vehemently. And some others are just plain crude. So to simplify it for you, O Dear Reader, there are the following types of disgusting individuals that are roaming freely about this planet (and without a straitjacket):

The ferociously smellies: Gosh. There is a limit how much some people can take the trouble to smell. While some pong like they are life members of the Bandra creek, some are innovative enough to smell like pee. I don’t even know how it is possible to smell of urine unless you hire someone to pee on you, but believe me there are people out there who’ve achieved this task. I remember this one electrician who’d come over to repair some stuff, and my technologically challenged mum called me out to test whatever he’d tinkered with. The minute I stepped into my beautiful hall, a smell that could have only been attributed to a league of unwashed rats sent by Lucifer himself, hit me square in the nose and knocked me backwards. We almost had to disinfectant the hall. Concerned electrician was a victim of unwashed clothes. I’ve heard that the Al-Qaeda is having serious talks with him for their next terror attack. Their latest press release said that they’ve FINALLY got their lethal weapon to shake an entire railway station by its foundation by its mere presence.

Fungus Footed Peeps: Not only do aforementioned folks have horrible smelling feet, but they are fiercely proud of the edge they have over everyone else. Such individuals seem to leave their noses in the butt pocket of their jeans, and conveniently leave them there as long as their feet are smelling. One more habit above mentioned folks seem to inherently possess, is to kick off their shoes they minute they sit down, and spread the joy. Consequentially, they’re surrounded by corpses in the manner of cockroaches dying of a huge hit of ‘HIT’.

The Burp-a-lots: Members of this type of unsocial behaviour generally seem to have either eaten a horse for breakfast, or swallowed a frog with their tea. People with special inclination towards horses give out REALLY loud, continuous burps, with absolutely zero qualms. In fact, they seem to react to their own contributions in a very matter-of-fact, relaxed way, and not letting it upset their newspaper reading sessions in the train or their conversations. Meanwhile, the froggy burps are a law unto themselves. They’re generally a series of small, continuous croaks, and at any minute, you’d expect the person to unfold a really looong tongue and eat up a fly passing through the air.

‘Private’ Scratchers: You’re quietly walking, minding your own business when you suddenly spot this uncle tugging, pulling and rummaging around his crotch like there’s no tomorrow. He’s making enough movement to cuddle an elephant. And it’s no mean feat to violently scratch your crotch AND feel completely unashamed about it.

Unwaxed vixen: Now I’m not endorsing waxing as an activity because it’s fashionable. Nor am I saying you need to do it because hair is something to be ashamed of. But, statistics and surveys (and other things people do to prove a point) have shown that your hair and your feet are the first places where bacteria likes to permanently set up home. Hence, get rid of excess body hair. But quite apart from the usual stuff, don’t you think it’s really gross? All you ‘chic’ women out there wearing capris, skirts, sleeveless tops, boat necks, cowl necks and other assorted blah, GET RID OF THE HAIR FIRST. I really don’t think that looking like Anil Kapoor is on your to-do list, is it?

Nosey diggers: WHAT do people look for, when they’re digging their noses? Missing cutlery? A friend’s address? New lands? But I really don’t think Christopher Columbus found America by digging his nose (being a man, he refused to ask for directions and landed on what is known as USA).

Now I need to go throw up. So I’m going to go and leave you free to add more categories. Happy barfing! :p

These Chinese are Crazy! *Tap tap tap*

THESE were the washing instructions that China sent me with a *blush* bra *blush*I purchased. I'm rather tempted to use it without removing the tag. If ANYONE can make sense out of them, email me. Soon. Thank you.

Well, now that we've got the formal introductions out of the way, I present to you, China's version of HOW TO WASH A BRA, in Chinese English (if you get my drift). Oh yeah, and this is verbatim, except a few irresistible comments made in brackets.

QUALIFIED CERTIFICATE

Product name: Text chest, pants. (Pants?????)

Grade: Excellent grade. (In English, you get an F, my dear)

WASHING SIGNS

• Please Use The Natural Detergent To Wash Away Dirt (Natural detergent, now what tree does that grow on?)
  
• Please Not Usage Washer Clean and Dehydrate (I still don't know what this means.)
  
• Rinse Please Use Soft Scrub Clean Then (For first graders: Arrange the sentence in correct grammatical order).
  
• Wash Empress Please Instant Orthopedics And Place Cool Place Dry (Hmm...The 'Orthopedics' seem to suggest, that the bra can perhaps double up as knee caps to prevent Osteoporosis. does 'Empress' refer to the Empress of Blandings?)
  
• Deep Colour Product Please Avoid White OR Shallow Colour Product The Admixture Wash (Yes. Thank you. The weather's pleasant here, too.)
  
• Prevent Change Colour (Damn! Then why did I buy a colour-changing bra? :( )
  

And this is my favourite:

• Please Not To Use Salty Sex Bleach (Sheesh. How dumb do you have to be that the company had to specifically TELL you not to use salty sex bleach? You KNOW the sugar-free one's what you're looking for.)

Wow. I *big red heart* the Chinese. :)